Prayers, Miracles, and Death

My mother is in the preactive phase of dying. We see the symptoms of death growing stronger in her by the day. Right now the family is going through a very tough time. It is very hard for us to see her deteriorate everyday in front of our eyes while we stand helpless by her bedside. We have no choice but to accept the reality and prepare ourselves.

There are a few things that bother us about the reactions from friends and relatives. While we understand that everyone is feeling bad for us and want to earnestly express their sympathies, it is at times very difficult for us to face these expressions of sympathy.

Pray to God and God will make everything all right. While I do not believe in God, my parents and sister do. My mother has been an ardent worshiper for her whole life and has done innumerable fasts and pujas. She must have gathered a lot of good graces by now. However, it's not helping her right now. The restlessness and pain she is experiencing is not being assuaged by the good graces she has supposedly gathered over her lifetime. I am not sure her God, if there is one, is helping her too much. So, we would very much appreciate that our friends and relatives stop invoking God in every sentence. If they need their God to understand and make peace with the situation, we earnestly request them to keep their 'prayer-solution' to themselves. If you are praying for her, pray that her last days are peaceful and painless as she rightfully deserves them to be so. 

Never lose Faith, Believe in Miracles. I think my mother is too far gone for a miracle right now. There comes a point when we all can see it and should be bold enough to accept the reality. We have no choice. The talk of faith and miracles is irritating us. Please keep these thoughts to yourself as well. We do not want to hear it and it makes us quite upset. We are trying very hard to come to terms with the reality and prepare ourselves for the inevitable. We understand that you are trying your best to help us, but believe me, it's not helping. Please do not talk to us about faith and miracles right now, it does not soothe us. It will indeed be a miracle if she can move on without pain and restlessness that she is going through right now. If you are praying, please pray for that miracle.

We are worried about your mom. This one is the worst one of all. There is no use worrying about my mother or anything else. Worry is a total waste of energy. What are you achieving by worrying about my mother? It's too late to save my mother. However much we love her and not want to let her go, we will have to accept the reality for what it is. And, if you want to really help, please stand by my father and sister and give them your silent support. They do not need or want pity or words that say 'sorry'. We do not care for them or want them - it adds to our anguish and grief.

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We are not the first family going through this tough time and we will not be the last. During this time, we understand that everyone who loves us wants to help us. The only request we have is that they be sensitive to our feelings. All we need right now is peace and quiet presence from our friends and relatives. Words of pity, prayers, or false hope is no good right now, please help us by keeping them to yourself.

Silent Gestures. When you visit us, please be quiet. Hold our hand, pat our back and don't say anything. Words will not heal our pain, but your touch helps us. We may burst out crying in front of you, but please do not say that 'It will be all right', for you know as well as we do that it will not be all right. If you can hug us, please do so. That's all! That's all that we need and can absorb at this time.

Help with the chores. If you ask me, the best way to help at the moment is to stay at my home for a day or two - not visit for couple hours, but stay overnight or at least an entire day - and help my mother through this very difficult time. It is particularly good if our relatives can do this. Help us care for my mother, feed her, help her to the bathroom, wash and tie her hair, hold her hand while she sleeps. The very simple chores of daily life is very difficult for us right now. My mother seems to be hallucinating and seeing her relatives all the time, so if you can come and stay, it will help her.

Read to her. She can hear very well and she loves it when you read to her. She may fall asleep in the middle of a reading, you will have to wait till she is restless again and then soothe her with reading. She has always loved books and has a great collection of the great writers. Take one out and read to her. Your voice will soothe her, I am sure of it.

I am 8,000+ miles away. All I do is call everyday and listen to the account of her health from my father, my sister, and our very best friend Shalmali Sinha (Pinky Di). Without Pinky Di we could not have borne this. There are people who come to us with words, Pinky Di is here with us with her deeds. Pinky Di is always present by our side and is helping us tremendously in every aspect - usually more than 12 hours a day. She feeds my mother, dresses her, talks to her, soothes her... The list goes on and on. We will be forever indebted to her. Her selflessness shines through in everything she does and we feel so blessed that she is there for us. We can never repay her generosity, she is helping my mother more than what my father, my sister, and me combined could have accomplished. What can we say - she is our hero, we wish her happiness and peace for the lifetime and beyond. Thank you, Pinky Di! Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Goodbye, Mom

Today, on January 27th, 2012, as I had expected, the doctors told our family that my mother is not in a state to take chemotherapy anymore. Prognosis is bad - two to three months, at most. I am in San Diego, over 8,000 miles away and am feeling as helpless as my father and sister back home. There is nothing we can do but watch my mom gradually fade away.

My mom has been sick since October 2011, rather that was the first time we got any inkling about her sickness. I was there with her when she had an episode of severe pain in her abdomen. We had her treated with some antibiotics and gastric medicines at that time. Since then she has had quite a few problems and has been in and out of hospitals from October - December. During these three months, the doctors suspected and were treating her for liver abscess and had not investigated cancer as a possibility until early December. During the month of December, several investigations (scans, biopsy, immunohistochem, etc.) took place culminating in the final diagnosis of Stage IV Cancer of Unknown Primary (CUP / occult primary). The PET scan showed that she has a huge tumor in her liver (about 1/3 of her liver) and several small lesions in both lobes, an impacted lymph node in her abdomen, multiple small lesions in the lungs, some liquid in the lungs, and a small tumor in the bone of her right arm near her elbow. These were all suspected to be secondary tumors metastasized from somewhere else. But no primary tumor could be found and all tests lead to dead ends. With no primary, there was no directed treatment available. Further investigations seemed academic at this point and after three long months in the hospitals and so many tests, there was no point to put her through more tests. She was frail, with massive weight loss and lacked the strength to stand up. She was not in a physical state to take intravenous cocktail of chemotherapy drugs.  So on January 6th, the doctors prescribed Xeloda, an oral chemotherapy drug. We hoped that this drug would give her some quality of life, and may be some quantity as well. Doctors said that there was 30% chance of this drug working for patients like my mother. A cycle is for 21 days, 14 days with medicines (1000 mg, twice a day) followed by seven days off. After three such cycles, we were to scan her and see if the tumor burden had reduced and then plan further treatment. They also cautioned us that prognosis for patients with occult primary was not good, 50% lived past one year.

After the first cycle, her functional health is so deteriorated that we can no longer continue with the medicine. She sleeps all day, and is restless all night. She can hardly get up to go to the bathroom, but she insists that she does. We are so scared that she will fall down and break her bones. She has lost her appetite and does not like to eat at all. When she does, she has to be spoon fed and food drools out of her mouth. It is very sad to watch her diminished to this level. Her stomach is bloated and legs are swollen, and we think she is slowly heading towards liver failure. She suffers from chronic constipation. She has a small boil on her shoulder due to a hot water pack, but she does not seem to sense it at all.  At night, when she is restless, we massage her back, arms, and legs and give her the hot water pack for comfort. She sits upright for an hour, and then lies down for a bit. This cycle goes on all night. Fortunately, she is not in much pain. We do not think her restlessness at night has got to do with pain, it must be something else that is causing it. Even sleeping pills don't seem to comfort her at night. However, she sleeps all day and is in a daze. She has lost cognition for the most part of the day. On a good day she is in a state to react with the world for about 30 minutes to an hour at most. Usually the things she talks about do not make sense anymore, she is disconnected from reality. Her temper flares up from time to time and she does not want to deal with my dad or my sister anymore. They feel hurt. She only talks to her siblings and a few other family friends who visit her.

My sister and my father are miserable. My sister's sister-in-law is getting married in a month's time and her family is going through the motions of preparing for the wedding. While my sister participates in all the festivities, there is a heaviness in her heart. She feels guilty not being able to be totally engrossed with the wedding as is expected of her. It's very hard for her. Her little six year old daughter has many questions of her own - When will Diya get well again and escort me home from school? How does one explain death to a little child? My father has his own battles to fight. For the longest time he was in denial  but now it is slowly sinking in and it is very painful for him. He is going through the five stages of grief. He is also scared of the prospect of being all alone for the rest of his life. My mom had been his support and safety net for 40 years, he can't imagine life without her. He told me last night that he hates it when people come up to him and say that they are sorry and that mother is too young to die. He wishes the world to stop talking - Can't they just be quiet?! May be they should just hold his hand or give him a hug. January 30th is their wedding anniversary, it will be very difficult for him.

I spent five weeks in India since mid December, running pillar to post trying my best to secure the best medical care I could find for her, getting the home organized and equipped for mother's long illness, and also help my father sort out the finances. I returned to San Diego last weekend as I had to take care of my business and affairs here. It has been a tumultuous time for me, and I have no idea what the future will look like. When will I get the fateful phone call and have to catch the next flight back? I may never see her again. And the brief conversations on the phone with her these days do not make any sense since she has lost her comprehension of the world.

What do I regret? I have two.

We were not able to save her. She is just 60 years old, its not her time. If this was 20 - 25 years later, I could have better borne this situation. It's too hard to see her reduced to this state. For those who have seen my mother know where I got my active genes. She can't sit still for a moment, always doing something or the other. She never complained of any major sickness all her life and had been in fact blessed with a relatively sickness-free life. Last January, when she was visiting us here in San Diego, she taught a Soma's Kitchen Cooking Class with me. She is the best cook out there and I hope I got some of her cooking genes. On a trip to Joshua Tree National Park last January, she climbed up the rocks like a little monkey! That was my mom, always up for an adventure. Lat year during this very weekend, my parents and I were touring San Francisco! All the rigorous treatment regimes since October has taken a toll on her body, she can barely sit up and has left her incapable of absorbing any drugs. What can we do? I can't get rid of that helpless sinking feeling in my heart that I was not able to save her. But then, I look around the world, with all the bomb blasts, wars, accidents happening and so many people losing their lives. People are losing their loved ones everyday. My grief is as much as theirs, it cannot possibly be more. Those young children in the pediatric oncology wards battling the disease and sometimes losing the battle even before their life has begun. Compared to those kids, my mom had a life, and 60 full years of it. Whether it was good or bad, successful or not, happy or sad, she is the only one who can analyse and answer. We cannot judge her life. She had her own trials, her own challenges, and her own sweet moments to cherish. For us, her family, we feel that she did have a significant life. I have been thinking about life a lot lately. What is a good life? How should we define a full life? What makes it complete? What achievement is good enough so that when one closes one's eyes on the last day on earth, one can say to oneself that they 'made it'?

I was not able to say Goodbye. Yes, even though I was there with her for five weeks, I was not able to say farewell. When her diagnosis got finalized over the New Year, everyone (except me) decided that she should not be told about the gravity of her disease and its terminal nature. The fear was that she will lose the 'will to live' should she 'find out' that there is little hope. All my protests were drowned by comments like "In India, we do not do this, we do not tell people that they are dying. Keep your American ways and ideas to yourself." I did not have the strength to fight them then, but it hurt me very much. If I were to face this situation, I would want to know. I would appreciate having the time to prepare to meet my end and make peace with it.  Last January, I came very close to dying and know what it feels like in those last moments when you think it is 'The End'. I was fortunate to be able to come out unscathed from that accident. So, I do appreciate every moment I have on this planet. And so when I was in India, I ached for the opportunity to put my arms around my mother and cry with her, talk to her about our life together, thank her for all she had done for me, and may be even bring out the few grievances I harbor only to ease them forever. May be she had something to tell me too, I will never know. I never got the chance to talk to her. All I did was give her false hopes that someday she will be all right and will sit under the San Diego sun, watch Ozzie and Freo run around in our backyard. Some of my friends who have lost a parent due to a sudden event have shared with me their anguish for not having the opportunity to say goodbye. I feel for them, I understand. My mother's condition is too far gone now and she has lost comprehension. Even if I try to hold this conversation now, it will not work. I have lost my chance to say goodbye too.

As for Hope, I guess it is always there, even when we feel that we have been beaten to the ground. Life sprouts out from a crack in concrete, the force of life is strong all around us. Many have pointed out to me and still do - Miracles have happened, why not with her? Why lose hope until the last breath? On the other hand, we have to be realistic. Death is as sure to come as the sun will rise tomorrow - for all of us. We can only hold it at bay for a bit and given how my mom looks and feels right now, I don't think the chance for a miracle is too high. No, I am not a pessimist, I do not want my mother to die. I am a realist, and I accept the situation for what it is. Also, someone in the family has to be the strong one and that has to be me. It is expected of me.

Maa has been a good soul. She has innumerable friends and well wishers. She has always been there for her friends in good times and bad, and no one seems to bear ill-will towards her. The stream of visitors coming to see her everyday was heartwarming for me. I can feel the love and compassion flowing through the house and it felt great to see my mom loved so much. My friends around the world are also wishing and praying for my mother. May be all this metta will bring about some relief to her. Add to that the fact that my mom has been a very religious lady, there is not one festival when she did not fast and offer her sincere prayers. I think there is not one god out there who did not get his/her due from mom. I do not believe in god, but if there is someone and my mom's reverence was strong enough, I hope her god will grant her some peace.

Goodbye, Mom!

Currents of Change

The economy has us quite frustrated. It does not seem to get better in the leaps and bounds we expect it to. Since 2000 we have seen many ups and downs in the stock market, but I do not think that is what is causing this economy to stay messed up. It's a problem of expectations.

K through 70. In the 70s and 80s, when people used to get jobs, it implied that the job was a contract for life or at least for a long period of time. You showed up at work everyday, put in your time, and in return you enjoyed the the promise of steady employment with retirement benefits. Since the mid 90s, slowly this security got eroded. Employers could not guarantee job security and people were reluctant to accept this reality. Over the last 20 years, people have come to expect that they will move several jobs in their lifetime. The average tenure at a job in 2010 was 4.4 years, which means that a person may have 8 - 11 job changes in their lifetime! Job changes are no longer the tough part, now we face the next challenge - we need to keep retooling ourselves to stay competitive. The current workforce does not like this reality but will have to accept it. It's do or die, you cannot complain / whine yourself out of it. You have to go back to school and update your skills. K through 12 used to work 20+ years ago, not anymore. In fact, K through 12 and 4/6 years of college will not work either. The new reality is that it's K through 70 - you have to constantly keep updating your skills.

Global Opportunities. Yes, it's a global world and technology has made it happen. The world will get flatter by the day and once again, the sooner we accept that fact, the better. It is for our benefit that we wise up. No use trying to create a security net around us and our business to keep out global competition, we are not isolated anymore. Once we accept this reality, we can take charge. First, we will have to take note of the situation and figure out what we can do to contribute and differentiate. If you are a part of a big organization, you will notice that the leadership structure is no longer the good old pyramid. The organizations have also become quite flat and you have a voice. You have much more information at your disposal to draw your own conclusions and the power to bring about change. Your focus need to shift from 'just being the 9-to-5-plug-n-play employee' to 'this is my contribution to the organization'. You have to be aware of your surroundings and when appropriate seize the opportunity! No, I am not asking you to back-stab others, cheat and rise up the ranks, I am asking you to make yourself valuable to the company with the skills and assets you have. Spend time to understand how the business works and help build the business, in your own way - add value.

Micro Careers and Entrepreneurship. I feel that the environment right now is ripe for micro careers and entrepreneurship. You can make tiny lateral shifts in your career. Add on a skill and make a tiny shift. If you are are a CAD drafter, learn 3-D modeling and move there. Next learn BIM and move on. If your job requires you to stay as a CAD drafter, you will see that your skill level has improved with this additional education. Take on assignments on the side (at home) for 3-D modelling and BIM. Someday you may be able to go on your own and start your own full-fledged business with the new skill, or you may find that your company will change their mind and make you the next BIM manager! Companies are also realizing that the shelf life of their product or service solution is limited. They feel the need to innovate and sometimes cannot figure out how to go about it. It is in the employee's advantage to self train on a new skill and be ready when the company needs it or when the opportunity presents itself just change jobs!

Entitlement Culture. Live within your means. This is also a problem in our current day and age. Seems like we always want to buy the latest gadget and by the time it gets delivered to our door, its already outdated! I think we need to focus on what we actually need and not on the thrills of the moment. Do we really need a palatial home and eight computers for a family of four? What happened to the good old advice of knowing how much you earn, spend less than you make, boost your income if you can, don't try to keep up with the Joneses, have an emergency fund / nest egg, and save up to buy something you really desire instead of just buying with credit? These words of wisdom is not new, but somehow it seems that over the last few decades we have been lulled into taking useless risks that we should not have, and then developed an expectation to be saved! We shout that life is unfair when we have to face the music, but have conveniently forgotten that we were indeed part of the band playing that tune just a few years ago. We reap what we sow - it's a hard lesson, but we have to go through this tough phase and grow up!

It all comes back to setting our expectations to reality. We need to be a Realist and an Optimist. No, the sky is not falling on our heads, we are just going through a phase and this too shall pass. Look at this as a learning opportunity and do not confuse wishing and wanting with pursuing. Take the time to figure out what is worth wishing and wanting in the first place. Dream, for only you have the power and authority to build your dream. You have the power to change the course, do not waste the time looking back. Take charge of your situation, however dismal it may appear at the moment, reset your expectations and build from a solid foundation.

Happiness, the Elusive Friend

Have you ever wondered how so-and-so seems happy and why you do not feel that way that often? When we look at others, it seems like their life is just perfect - their career seems to be working well with increased recognition, they seem to be spending more and having a better lifestyle, their relationships seem to be going well, they seem to be jovial all the time.... Yes, we all have been there; especially when some aspect of our life seems to us not living up to our expectations. 

My realization has been that we need to focus on the definition of happiness that is tailored to our life rather than a perceived notion of what makes others happy. I believe that happiness is derived from three sources - Thrills, Flow / Zone, and Purpose.

Sources of Happiness

Thrills make us Happy. These are intense positive emotions experienced over a short period of time. Examples: a roller coaster ride, shopping for and then discovering a new gadget, driving or riding in a fast car, a good dinner and drink, sex, watching a game.... During these thrill moments, time seems to go in slow motion, you have a moment-by-moment memory. Remember your favorite sportsman playing the winning shot? You probably remember the whole 10 seconds as a 10+ minute slow motion movie, complete with the thoughts going through your head as commentary. And every time you recollect that incident, you  briefly go to your happy place. Yes, this happens to all of us. We also wish that these intense pure raw emotions last forever or that our life gets filled with more and more of these feelings. In reality, this does not happen, and that makes us sad. Many try to recreate these moments by seeking the thrills all the time, some get hurt in the process either physically, or financially, or emotionally. 

Zone / Flow makes us Happy. These are times when the mind is calm and serene and we get lost in the work that we are doing and forget the passage of time. We get so engrossed that we forget hunger, sleep, and thirst. I bet many of you have been in that space too and will fondly recollect the times when you were lost in The Zone or were in The Flow. A great example of this is the Runners High that people experience when training for long-distance marathons. I remember my feelings when I was training very vividly. Another is may be working on a report at work where you stayed up all night without even realizing how the time went by? May be you spent a whole day painting and forgot to eat? I often have these experiences when I work and also when I cook. I have seen my husband having this feeling when he is brewing beer. The task is so satisfying that you are lost in it.  Dr. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi has a good body of work on this form of happiness. I recommend you read his books to learn more and try to create more opportunities of Zone/ Flow in your life and for the people surrounding you - at home, at play, and at work. 

Purpose makes us Happy. This is the most difficult one to pin down but this actually is the most gratifying. It is very hard to work out your purpose and takes a lot of introspection and analysis. We often do not have the time to do this or think that the time is not worth spending on finding this purpose. But that feeling of hollowness or emptiness that you often feel in spite of the Thrills and Zone/Flow you experience is because you are not in sync with the purpose. Each one needs to take the journey of finding this purpose by yourself, no one can do this for you. Once you have figured out this purpose, you will see that every aspect of your life will flow out of it and you will no longer have that emptiness deep inside. For me meditation helped me find the purpose. I went on a 10-day meditation retreat where we did not talk for ten days and did not even make eye contact with other people. It settled my mind down and cut the chatter out, and then it was quite clear, like the fog went away. It was a great feeling. Now, my daily task is to keep in sync with that purpose and when I do that, I feel very happy!

We need all three to be Happy. I believe that we need a healthy proportion of all three, Thrills, Zone /Flow and Purpose, to be Happy. When we are kids, Thrills make up most of the pie, and that is how it should be. As we mature, we start to identify the tasks that put us in the Zone / Flow. Once we identify those tasks and do more of it, not only do we improve our skill level in those tasks, they also make us peaceful and serene. As we move on the journey of life, if we start the quest for Purpose and find it, it makes life just worth living. Purpose then is the wind in our sails and we become jubilant!
My lesson in life has been to try and maintain a healthy proportion of all three in my life, absence of either ingredient may actually dent my happiness. My pie now has more Purpose and less Thrills. But all three are indeed present. I am Happy!

What a Wonderful World!

"What a Wonderful World" by Lois Armstrong is playing in my head. And that is really making me think 'It's all right".

Why do I feel so positive? I feel accountability and sustainability is slowly gaining prominence in the general psyche of the population. It's slow, but that's how it should be - slow and steady.

- Yes, we are reaching the 7 Billion mark and the prospect of being able to feed, clothe, provide safe water, sanitation and shelter is a scary thought. Furthermore by 2030 we may be close to 10 Billion.

- Yes, the economy is really bad and with 9%+ unemployment, these are hard times. All the 'developed' nations seem to be in debt crisis, Wall Street is fluctuating every minute taking us on a roller coaster ride of our lifetime.

- Yes, there is still political uncertainty in the Middle East, from Syria to Iraq to Afghanistan. There are wars going on in so many places around the world.

- Yes, there are still natural disasters happening - earthquakes, tsunamis, droughts, and tornadoes. The arctic ice and major glaciers are melting at a rapid rate further intensifying the impact of these natural disasters.

- Yes, there is corruption and fraud. And there are people who are making every effort every day to rob you of your identity, your finances, your livelihood.

- Yes, the list goes of everything that is going wrong or can go wrong.

Then, What is Making Me So Happy?

- When governments around the world are not being able to pull it together, non-profits like Water For People, Gates Foundation, etc. are working to solve the food-water-shelter problem from the grassroots level. They are not blindly throwing money and equipment at it, they are working on social entrepreneurship model, building from the ground up, empowering the masses to device fit-for-purpose local sustainable solutions.

- A huge number of people across the world is asking for accountability in the way we do business. I may not agree with every person in that group about the methods employed in these protests, but I feel that there is a general consensus around the world population that the way we have been running the economy is not sustainable and it has to change. And with that kind of change in people's expectations is good. Governments will hear and so will businesses if they want to survive. This recent story about Amazon is good and I hope it is true.

- Unaided by major external forces, a large chunk of the world is moving towards democracy, especially in the Middle East. The democracy we will find there may not be similar to the definition we have in the US or elsewhere, it will be tailored to their culture and local requirement. The good thing here is that the people have realized that they have the power to bring about change, and they are doing it.

- Natural disasters have happened in the past and will happen in the future. Too bad that the quantity and the intensity seem to have increased. But, look at the rapid response you get these days and from all around the world. With communication so rapid and news spreading so fast in this flat world, people see, they feel, and they react. Emergency relief is happening faster than ever. Is it perfect yet, no I am not saying that. But it is getting better by leaps an bounds. Better mapping leads to better decision making, better portable aid systems are being designed and deployed. There is room for improvement, and we are on track.

- Everyday I hear stories of some fight going on around the world against corruption and fraud. Again, I did not agree with the Anna Hazare method in India, but the underlying cause is commendable. There are still some very tenacious journalists and caring social workers crusading on issues to help build an equitable world. These people are slowly getting traction.

As each day goes by, I sense people starting to ask the hard questions about finite resources, methods of reuse, sustainable business practices, life-cycle costs, etc. I feel that all these changes are happening for the good. There is no quick fix to any problem - every change has to happen slow if you want it to last. It has to happen one step at a time. With 7 billion people taking one step at a time in the same direction, the progress will be amplified.

I am delighted to be able to sense the beginning of this change, I hope that I will live to see a great deal more. And even if my time comes before I see these changes being amplified by resonance, I will still be happy. 

Because ......

I see trees of green........ red roses too
I see 'em bloom..... for me and for you
And I think to myself.... what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue..... clouds of white
Bright blessed days....dark sacred nights
And I think to myself .....what a wonderful world.

The colors of a rainbow.....so pretty ..in the sky
Are also on the faces.....of people ..going by
I see friends shaking hands.....sayin'.. how do you do
They're really sayin'......I love you.

I hear babies cry...... I watch them grow
They'll learn much more.....than I'll never know
And I think to myself .....what a wonderful world

What a Wonderful World!

Five Habits That Have Helped Me

In this post, I share a few lessons learned over the years that I think have helped me tremendously. As I mentioned here, I don't claim to be any expert. I am a common person, trying to figure out how the world works and what should be my role.

Learning
Through my childhood years, learning anything beyond the coursework was discouraged. It was because such extra learning may take time, energy, and brain space out of what was needed to absorb in order to get good grades. So, I never developed the habit to read. My husband, on the other hand, is an avid reader and I admire this trait in him. Over the years with him, I have been able to cultivate this habit too. My childhood curiosity, that was stifled in the early years, has started to blossom and in the last five years I have become a sponge for new information. Oh! I love it! I have taken on subjects that I never used to work with earlier. I have read books of all kinds - biographies, self-help books, management books, art, crafts, fiction, cooking, technical, etc. I listen to audio books, so my long car rides are never boring. Thanks to podcasts, there is also a constant stream of audio knowledge. What's the plan forward? I intend to take up a new subject every two to three years and learn it. I have been learning management in the last few years and right now I have picked up accounting. These few years of study will by no means make me an expert, but I know it will enrich me and help me understand the subject matter more than I currently do. Above all, I think it will make me "Open and Willing" to accept new ideas and help me appreciate this beautiful world around me. I have a 'bucket list' of subjects I want pursue: economics, painting, writing, archaeology, music, psychology, photography, zoology, journalism, botany, film making,...... I think with this ongoing list, I will never age - the curiosity will keep me vibrant till the day I die. At least that's my age-defying mantra!

15 minutes-a-day Organizing
This was a hard habit learned. I am usually organized, especially at work. My desk is clean most of the time and I have a system to handle papers and other materials. But scheduling few minutes out of my daily routine and to just focus on this activity everyday has made a big difference in my productivity. When I walk into the office in the morning, cup of coffee in hand, I check my email first and then turn it off -  Yes, I shut down the program. Then I spend the next 15 minutes going through my desk, then other piles on bookcases and tables, even the pen and pencil holders. I assign places where each item needs to go and put them there. No, I do not take action on the item at hand, I just categorize it and make it ready for action. This time is strictly for organizing, not for action. And yes, I have a timer going. The 15 minutes go by fast! Sometimes I spend a little more time, but NEVER less than 15 minutes. I think these 15 minutes are very useful minutes of the day. As you clear clutter and get organized, your world gets sorted - not only in the world right in front of your eyes (your office desk and the room), but also in your subconscious. I find that when I do this activity everyday, it clears out the mind and helps me focus more effectively. It's like a mini-meditation!

Ideas Journal
This started about couple months ago and I am loving the concept. I was chatting with a friend and we were discussing how our heads are full of all these ideas chatter. Every time I meet a person or read an interesting article or see something, my brain makes these 20+ connections to new and old ideas, projects, other people, etc. I used to keep all that in my head and so far it was going all right. But as my universe expands, I am sure I will not be manage all that effectively to produce credible results. So this Ideas Journal is my plan. It's simple - a cute bound notebook. Every time I have a light bulb that goes off in my mind, I write it down in this one book. Does not matter what topic its related to. Every idea starts with a new page. It's the Idea on top, followed by a few bullet points answering the following - Why, What, How, Who, and When. If I don't have all the bullet points answered right away, never mind, it's all right. It will come to me when I am ready. Later, say on a lazy Sunday afternoon, with a glass of my favorite red wine in hand, I sift through the journal. As I read, some ideas stick and I write a bit more about them. I intend to develop these ideas into projects, but I do know that every seed takes it's own time to germinate, so I do not force them. When they are ready, they will pop out and I will act on them. Well, as I said, I just started this exercise, check with me next year and see what worked. I have a feeling that this will be a good thing.

Note Cards
When I was in eighth grade, my English teacher, Mrs. Hariharan, had asked us to start this habit. I remember the instruction very clearly. She took out a small notepad out of her purse and showed it to us. She then read out one or two sentences that she had collected over the years from books she had read. She asked us to form this habit and said that it will pay off in the future. Well, I did not pick up that habit then. Neither did I pick up the habit from another mentor and teacher I had in college. He too carried a small notebook in which he collected tidbits of information for use later. I never saw the point of it then. Well, now I do! May be because I am now older and wiser(?). I buy a set of plain index cards from the local store and keep them handy with a pencil every time I am reading a book, surfing the internet, etc. If some sentence catches my fancy, I write it down. Later I organize them into categories of my choice - I have a few shoe-boxes set aside for these cards. Since I have now written these beautiful thoughts, I find it very easy to recollect later. Say I want to express a thought that's almost at my fingertips but I am having difficulty. Most often than not, I have an index card that inspires me. No, I do not copy from these cards, they are there to help me formulate the words and say what I want to say effectively. Some of these cards are indeed quotes and I use quotes generously too. These note cards are my inspiration.

Networking
You are probably going - Duh! We all know you need to network! Well, I did not. The first eight years of my career I hardly met with people outside my career group and when I did meet them, I did not know what to talk, what to say, and used to be a bit bored too. It's great that my husband is in a different field than me and has spent a lot of time in the university, so we did have a good social circle. I loved our friends and we had some great parties that I remember very fondly. But, our group was very homogeneous and lacked diversity of careers - most of our friends were either engineers like me or scientists like him. As a result, I feel our exposure was not as wide as it could be. Over the years this has changed and my circle has broadened tremendously. I feel so enriched by the perspectives from all the different people I have come to know. A lawyer, and accountant, a marketer, a real estate agent, a securities analyst, an IT developer, a social scientist, an economist, a non-profit manager, the list goes on and on. When we gather, the discussions are so much more interesting and views often so different. You get to appreciate where each person is coming from and what process frames their position. So what I have done very deliberately for the last couple years is to seek out networking events that are way outside my knowledge base. I routinely attend events hosted by life tech, clean tech, business groups, IT groups, production engineer groups, etc. I have found that they are very welcoming as well. Of course, this is just the beginning and my universe will only expand from here. Apart from the broadening perspective, the other benefit of this expanding universe is that you now get a big pool of people to tap into for expert knowledge and opinion when you need. It's a great resource!

I would be very interested to know what other habits have helped you. Please drop me a line or two. I am forever open and willing to learn and network!

The System is broken? What do I do?

The system is broken!
My colleagues don't seem to listen to the bright ideas I have to fix the system!
Why don't people just fix the broken system?!
Why don't people just listen and work out the plan!
I am appalled by the prevalent stupidity all around me!
How come no one gets the problem but me?!
How can people in important positions be so outright stupid! How come they get promoted there?!

How often have your thoughts been like this?
I don't know about you, I have been there and quite frequently. Till about a year and half ago, I was consistently in this exasperation and frustration bracket and my life was hell - a living hell. Oh yes, it is a terrible place to be. Yes, I felt a high because of the emotions - I was right and everyone was wrong, I was angry, I was better than the rest of them.....
I could not come to terms with the way the world runs and at every moment of the way I was finding the inefficiencies that drove me to the wall. I used to stand there with my back against the wall and shout loud as how retarded the people are and the system was, and how I had all the answers if only anyone would care to listen. It frustrated me to no end and I wondered why I did not have enough followers, why were only a few people following my drumbeat and not everyone? Why were most people acting contrary to the 'right way to do things'?
Does this sound familiar? Have you felt like this sometime in your life?

Early last year, I spent few days in retrospection. It was very hard to do this analysis - like wrenching out all the deep ingrained roots, studying them, and then throwing them out. Painful, very painful indeed. After that, I made one decision and one alone. I am going to be "Open and Willing". It's a concept of letting go of the emotions and looking at the elephant for what it is.

Graphic credit

Once I moved away and stepped back, I began to get the perspectives of others and started to appreciate where each and every person was coming from. After I did this, I realized that I have only just begun to understand the problem for what it is. It was a very humbling step and very hard to digest.

Am I there yet? Have I figured it all? Oh no, I probably just crossed the threshold and there is a long path ahead of me. Here's my plan /understanding on how this 'changing the world' concept works:

• Accept that it will be a LONG drawn-out process, no quick-fix and sometimes no fix in my lifetime.
• Develop an Atticus Finch personality.
• Make a difference in my own little way in spite of the system and the people around me. And I am NOT expecting any accolades for it.

Let's see how this pans out. My life is now a wonderful experiment that I am devising as I go. But, you know what, I am very happy these days. Deep down inside I am at peace, and that helps me keep this experiment on track.

Glide with your Symphony - The Key to 'Getting There'

In my mid thirties and I am only just learning to swim. I try to make it to the gym three days a week to practice. I can flutter my feet well, my arm strokes are good too; but I cannot seem to be able to synchronize my breathing with the feet and arms. I can do half the length of the pool with one breath, and am very proud of that! My biggest challenge is to breathe and last Friday, I was trying to accomplish that with no success. Thoughts of failure were going through my head - Shall I ever learn to swim? What about my dream to snorkel in the great reefs of the world and scuba dive someday? I may be just too old to do this! Wish I had learned this when I was a kid.......

I was at this effort almost for an hour when a friendly swimmer came by and offered some advice. He said "Don't fight the water. Let the water hold you, use it. Think of your favorite symphony and try to glide with its rhythm in your head." I thought, that's odd, but why not give his method a try? What do I have to lose, I can't drown in 4 ft of water. For the last month and half I have proved to myself that I am not drowning that easily. Let's see if his advice can help me float. And lo and behold, I was able to do four full lengths of the pool and synchronize my breathing with the strokes. It was not seamless symphony, but I was able to synchronize. It was a start! It was fantastic! Made my day! I could really do it! Now I have to just practice the lesson to make perfect! Wow!

Over the weekend, I thought about the instruction. This applies so much to life, doesn't it? All the time, we try to fight to get to our goal. I know, I did it a lot and still do at times, both in my professional and personal life. We have a goal identified and the drive within us pushes us to throw in all our might to achieve the goal and try harder and harder. Eventually, we often do succeed, but often we get frustrated and 'drop it'. Or after we do succeed, it does not seem that sweet a victory, we just so exhausted by the trials.  It's no different from learning to swim, you know you can do it (so many people can swim, why can't you?), and there is always problems and resistance (the water pushing against you), you have the fear of failure (drowning), and you try too hard and get stressed (fanatically throw your arms and legs about, gulp water).......

The solution is so simple - Don't try to fight the water. Accept it for what it is. Feel it, observe how it touches you, the texture, the softness, the resistance, the buoyancy, how it holds you.... Understand it, and more importantly - Appreciate it, Respect it. Then, think up your favorite symphony. Feel it's rhythm. Align your strokes with the familiar rhythm in your mind. Glide as if your strokes are playing in the orchestra, seamless and in perfect harmony with the water. Work with peace in your heart and mind, no emphatic force required. You will get there - it's the law of nature!

Books that have Helped me

I was going through my library this morning and thought I should list the five books that have influenced me deeply in my personal development. Here they are, in no special order of importance. The impact of all these books on me have been immense and each one has helped me refine my life over the last four years. These are my 'top-shelf' books and I treasure them!

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Ambition is Not a Dirty Word
by Debra Condren

My husband picked this book out for me during a trip to India (in 2008) at a bookstore in Mumbai. I was then going through some problems with my boss. My boss and I had severe differences in opinion and I was very frustrated to see her ruining the project I was responsible for. I desperately needed some guidance to tackle this issue, I just couldn't let a $100 million project go haywire. Debra's book was a lifesaver. I read the book three times in a span of two weeks - the pages were thumbed, I had underlined important passages, and scribbled all over the book. This book reinforced my confidence and influenced me so much that I excerpted parts of this book to write a mini speech, memorized it, and then talked with my boss' boss about my fears and concerns regarding the said project and outlined the steps needed to 'fix the problem'. The result: I was relieved of my stressful position and promoted to a more expansive role in the organization because of my ability to perceive problems and formulate 'fixes'. Furthermore, I got full corporate support to effect changes on not one but twelve projects! What can I say, the book is a 'must have' for all women.
After moving back to the US, I contacted Debra. We email and talk to each other often. Every time I thank her for such a profound book. She is a good friend and perhaps some day I may even work with her to help other women.

Work Smarter Not Harder
by Jack Collis

This was a fantastic find at Berkelouw Books on Oxford St., Paddington, Sydney.  During my mini-vacation trips to the beautiful harbor city in early 2009, hubby used to be at work, and I used to spend hours (sometimes the entire day) at that bookstore perusing through their fantastic collection of new and used books. I found many jewels there and this is definitely one of the precious few. The book goes step by step to define an effectiveness plan, first by getting organized, setting up priorities, and then eliminating time wasters. I had quite a few "Aha moments", but Chapter 5 - New Attitudes for Effectiveness, helped me the most. It got me to recognize Guilt, Worry, Fear of Failure, and Anger as big barriers in my progress and as soon as I was able to recognize them I was able to take charge and eliminate them. Self development is a very gradual process and it takes time. Nothing happens overnight. The first step is to realize that you are sitting in the passenger seat of your life and once you 'get it', then you can slowly plan a method to get onto the driver's seat, map where you want to go, and press on the accelerator!

The Rules of Work 
by Richard Templar

Another gem found in Australia - I picked this one up for in-flight reading from Cairns airport on the way to Alice Springs in 2008. I was on a 10-day backpacking vacation from Alice Springs to Darwin with two lovely companions. I was not looking for a book like this in particular, but when I came across it at the airport bookstore, I was intrigued, so I bought it. My friends commented - 'Geez, Soma, aren't you on this vacation to run away from work?' I smiled. This book was a great read and a perfect companion for the long 3-day bus ride on Stuart Highway. You don't have to start from the beginning or from the end - start anywhere, any random page, and a core truth will jump at you. There are exactly 100 strategies mentioned, some overlap but all very relevant. At each rule, there is a framed kernel of wisdom that you may want to imprint in your brain permanently. If you can master all these rules, I bet you work life will become a relaxing stroll on the beach. It's a very handy book to keep as a ready reference and open it up every now and then and check yourself for proper behavior and attitude.

Rules of Thumb
 by Alan Webber

This book was a fairly recent find, after I started my business in October last year. I picked this book from the library and at first I did not think too much about it. May be the title put me off - "52 Truths for Winning at Business Without Losing Your Self". It felt like those flimsy books trying to make you feel good, e.g. "10 Things You Can Do to Help Save the Earth"! I am not a fan of sweet coating the truth, I believe that hard facts of life are indeed hard and should be presented as such. Anyway, I decided to bring it home and give it a try. Boy! Was I impressed! This book seemed to be top-notch wisdom served to you in bite-sized pieces. I am so thankful that Alan Webber did not decide to write 52 books and put all of his 'lessons learned' in life in one concise book. The best way to get through this book is to read a chapter at a time, then let it seep in for few weeks. Then re-read the chapter. Every time you go back to the chapters, your subconscious mind has had time to ponder and you will feel pleased to be able to grasp the nuances of the wisdom through your own life experiences. It's a masterpiece!

My Stroke of Insight
by Jill Bolte Taylor

I heard Dr. Taylor's TEDTalk in 2010. What she said resonated very deeply with me at that time. No, I did not have a stroke, but during a Vipassana meditation course early 2010, I was able to successfully suppress the incessant left-brain chatter and experience the nirvana-like feeling stemming from the vibrant right-brain. That experience was somewhat spiritual for me, and being an engineer I was not able to explain the experience through my accumulated knowledge base. Her book explained the science behind it. I loved it! The last two chapters are my favorite where she says "that deep inner peace is just a thought/feeling away". Happiness is a choice, and it's too sad that many do not exercise this choice. If you read this book, you will realize that you have the power to actually determine how your brain perceives emotions and you can control it at your own will. Also, you can train your mind to react differently to external stimulation and that "Enlightenment is not a process of learning, it is a process of unlearning". What the great Yogis and Zen masters have told us for eons is elucidated very clearly in the language of science - through the story of brain cells and their fantastic multidimensional circuitry.

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These five books that have influenced me in the last four years. They hold a permanent place on my bookshelf and I keep them close for ready reference. Hope you will find their wisdom helpful as well. Please do send me feedback, and share with me books that have helped you grow. I will appreciate that very much.

"I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be."

It's the middle of the year and I am in a reflective kind of mood. It was a very busy six months - with parents visiting, major proposals, some great projects, mini-vacations, new recipes, fun time with friends and the joy of meeting really old friends after eons....

So all this got me thinking - why not write a note every six months and chronicle how I have grown - psychologically (after all that's the real thing!). So today I set the baseline with a little history.

My childhood and early adulthood was sort of a dark place, not too many happy memories but am glad I survived it to see this day. Whatever it was is gone now - the anger, the intense frustration, the severe case of "Why me?" - it's gone. No, I have not forgiven yet, but I have made peace with it - I can move on now. The last four years have been very satisfying and I am so glad that I can reflect and realize myself now. Last January I went to a ten-day meditation retreat where we did not speak for ten long days and meditated for over 11 hours a day. That was a life changing event for me. While I did not have major breakthrough during those ten days, over the ensuing months I realized how profound that mental boot-camp was for me and how it opened doors that I never thought existed or did not have the mental clarity to see. Bolstered by that new-found confidence, last October I left a well- paying, prosperous and defined career path to launch my own company. I also acted on my desire to cook and teach people what I know, hence Soma's Kitchen was born.

Fast forward to 2011. January was very important for me - I nearly died in a major accident - but I didn't! Not a day goes by that I do not think how lucky I was to survive that crash, and that too with no injuries at all. Health has been a bit difficult this year - my old eye problem came back, and my back still bothers me. As a result I am several pounds over where I would like to be. In spite of it all, I am just very happy and lucky to be alive!

So today I jot down what I see in the mirror:

I am a passionate person, mostly about creating something new. I like to dream and pursue that dream to fruition. It gives me tremendous satisfaction to see a job well done. May be this is why I love my business so much and also my cooking experiments.

I also like variety in my work. I seem to chase problems and want to always fix them. I am an efficiency Nazi. It's really bad - when I walk into a restaurant, one part of my brain is analyzing how the tables are laid out and how the waiters are walking around and what will be the optimum arrangement!

I suppose I will define myself as free-thinking, risk-taking maverick. I am a fringe player that likes to buck the system when it's too bureaucratic.  Again, that's why I am so happy being my own boss, I suppose.

I seem to have the entrenched need to impress other people and prove myself. Yes, I admit it. This is not the only thing that drives me, but it is a reason for my drive.

I enjoy being engaged all the time - being busy and excited with a new project or event. I love it! I don't think I get stressed that often anymore - I actually enjoy being in 'the zone' and thrive on that energy. It's my 'high' and I like it!

I also realize that I do not need or want lots of money or luxury. I can actually do without the latest gadget,  fast car, fancy clothes, etc. They don't really move me. That does not mean that I will accept a life of a pauper - I just feel very comfortable in the lifestyle I have right now and am not craving any other material want.

I like to travel. I think that's my most coveted wish right now. I value that experience of meeting new people, touching an unknown land, tasting and smelling the new food, listening to the cacophony of unfamiliar sounds. If it was possible, I would take a whole year or two off and go back-packing around the world.

I want to write a book. I am not sure what it will be about - memoir, or a travelogue, or a cookbook, or something in the lines of what lessons I learned in life - may be a mix of all these. Someday....

Where am I heading? Who can say? Life's ephemeral. I have now learned to live in the moment and squeeze as much happiness I can get out of it. I have decided (Yes, I believe that it is a decision, a conscious choice) that I am not going to let negatives affect me. And when I see myself getting bothered, I will just dissociate myself from those entities that make me miserable. I know how lucky I am to be alive, I am not going to waste a minute!

What I think this moment: "I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be."