What Matters To Me

Prayers, Miracles, and Death

2012-01-31T10:50:00.000-08:00

My mother is in the preactive phase of dying. We see the symptoms of death growing stronger in her by the day. Right now the family is going through a very tough time. It is very hard for us to see her deteriorate everyday in front of our eyes while we stand helpless by her bedside. We have no choice but to accept the reality and prepare ourselves.

There are a few things that bother us about the reactions from friends and relatives. While we understand that everyone is feeling bad for us and want to earnestly express their sympathies, it is at times very difficult for us to face these expressions of sympathy.

Pray to God and God will make everything all right. While I do not believe in God, my parents and sister do. My mother has been an ardent worshiper for her whole life and has done innumerable fasts and pujas. She must have gathered a lot of good graces by now. However, it's not helping her right now. The restlessness and pain she is experiencing is not being assuaged by the good graces she has supposedly gathered over her lifetime. I am not sure her God, if there is one, is helping her too much. So, we would very much appreciate that our friends and relatives stop invoking God in every sentence. If they need their God to understand and make peace with the situation, we earnestly request them to keep their 'prayer-solution' to themselves. If you are praying for her, pray that her last days are peaceful and painless as she rightfully deserves them to be so.

Never lose Faith, Believe in Miracles. I think my mother is too far gone for a miracle right now. There comes a point when we all can see it and should be bold enough to accept the reality. We have no choice. The talk of faith and miracles is irritating us. Please keep these thoughts to yourself as well. We do not want to hear it and it makes us quite upset. We are trying very hard to come to terms with the reality and prepare ourselves for the inevitable. We understand that you are trying your best to help us, but believe me, it's not helping. Please do not talk to us about faith and miracles right now, it does not soothe us. It will indeed be a miracle if she can move on without pain and restlessness that she is going through right now. If you are praying, please pray for that miracle.

We are worried about your mom. This one is the worst one of all. There is no use worrying about my mother or anything else. Worry is a total waste of energy. What are you achieving by worrying about my mother? It's too late to save my mother. However much we love her and not want to let her go, we will have to accept the reality for what it is. And, if you want to really help, please stand by my father and sister and give them your silent support. They do not need or want pity or words that say 'sorry'. We do not care for them or want them - it adds to our anguish and grief.

******************************************************

We are not the first family going through this tough time and we will not be the last. During this time, we understand that everyone who loves us wants to help us. The only request we have is that they be sensitive to our feelings. All we need right now is peace and quiet presence from our friends and relatives. Words of pity, prayers, or false hope is no good right now, please help us by keeping them to yourself.

Silent Gestures. When you visit us, please be quiet. Hold our hand, pat our back and don't say anything. Words will not heal our pain, but your touch helps us. We may burst out crying in front of you, but please do not say that 'It will be all right', for you know as well as we do that it will not be all right. If you can hug us, please do so. That's all! That's all that we need and can absorb at this time.

Help with the chores. If you ask me, the best way to help at the moment is to stay at my home for a day or two - not visit for couple hours, but stay overnight or at least an entire day - and help my mother through this very difficult time. It is particularly good if our relatives can do this. Help us care for my mother, feed her, help her to the bathroom, wash and tie her hair, hold her hand while she sleeps. The very simple chores of daily life is very difficult for us right now. My mother seems to be hallucinating and seeing her relatives all the time, so if you can come and stay, it will help her.

Read to her. She can hear very well and she loves it when you read to her. She may fall asleep in the middle of a reading, you will have to wait till she is restless again and then soothe her with reading. She has always loved books and has a great collection of the great writers. Take one out and read to her. Your voice will soothe her, I am sure of it.

I am 8,000+ miles away. All I do is call everyday and listen to the account of her health from my father, my sister, and our very best friend Shalmali Sinha (Pinky Di). Without Pinky Di we could not have borne this. There are people who come to us with words, Pinky Di is here with us with her deeds. Pinky Di is always present by our side and is helping us tremendously in every aspect - usually more than 12 hours a day. She feeds my mother, dresses her, talks to her, soothes her... The list goes on and on. We will be forever indebted to her. Her selflessness shines through in everything she does and we feel so blessed that she is there for us. We can never repay her generosity, she is helping my mother more than what my father, my sister, and me combined could have accomplished. What can we say - she is our hero, we wish her happiness and peace for the lifetime and beyond. Thank you, Pinky Di! Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Goodbye, Mom

2012-01-27T15:12:00.000-08:00

Today, on January 27th, 2012, as I had expected, the doctors told our family that my mother is not in a state to take chemotherapy anymore. Prognosis is bad - two to three months, at most. I am in San Diego, over 8,000 miles away and am feeling as helpless as my father and sister back home. There is nothing we can do but watch my mom gradually fade away.

My mom has been sick since October 2011, rather that was the first time we got any inkling about her sickness. I was there with her when she had an episode of severe pain in her abdomen. We had her treated with some antibiotics and gastric medicines at that time. Since then she has had quite a few problems and has been in and out of hospitals from October - December. During these three months, the doctors suspected and were treating her for liver abscess and had not investigated cancer as a possibility until early December. During the month of December, several investigations (scans, biopsy, immunohistochem, etc.) took place culminating in the final diagnosis of Stage IV Cancer of Unknown Primary (CUP / occult primary). The PET scan showed that she has a huge tumor in her liver (about 1/3 of her liver) and several small lesions in both lobes, an impacted lymph node in her abdomen, multiple small lesions in the lungs, some liquid in the lungs, and a small tumor in the bone of her right arm near her elbow. These were all suspected to be secondary tumors metastasized from somewhere else. But no primary tumor could be found and all tests lead to dead ends. With no primary, there was no directed treatment available. Further investigations seemed academic at this point and after three long months in the hospitals and so many tests, there was no point to put her through more tests. She was frail, with massive weight loss and lacked the strength to stand up. She was not in a physical state to take intravenous cocktail of chemotherapy drugs. So on January 6th, the doctors prescribed Xeloda, an oral chemotherapy drug. We hoped that this drug would give her some quality of life, and may be some quantity as well. Doctors said that there was 30% chance of this drug working for patients like my mother. A cycle is for 21 days, 14 days with medicines (1000 mg, twice a day) followed by seven days off. After three such cycles, we were to scan her and see if the tumor burden had reduced and then plan further treatment. They also cautioned us that prognosis for patients with occult primary was not good, 50% lived past one year.

After the first cycle, her functional health is so deteriorated that we can no longer continue with the medicine. She sleeps all day, and is restless all night. She can hardly get up to go to the bathroom, but she insists that she does. We are so scared that she will fall down and break her bones. She has lost her appetite and does not like to eat at all. When she does, she has to be spoon fed and food drools out of her mouth. It is very sad to watch her diminished to this level. Her stomach is bloated and legs are swollen, and we think she is slowly heading towards liver failure. She suffers from chronic constipation. She has a small boil on her shoulder due to a hot water pack, but she does not seem to sense it at all. At night, when she is restless, we massage her back, arms, and legs and give her the hot water pack for comfort. She sits upright for an hour, and then lies down for a bit. This cycle goes on all night. Fortunately, she is not in much pain. We do not think her restlessness at night has got to do with pain, it must be something else that is causing it. Even sleeping pills don't seem to comfort her at night. However, she sleeps all day and is in a daze. She has lost cognition for the most part of the day. On a good day she is in a state to react with the world for about 30 minutes to an hour at most. Usually the things she talks about do not make sense anymore, she is disconnected from reality. Her temper flares up from time to time and she does not want to deal with my dad or my sister anymore. They feel hurt. She only talks to her siblings and a few other family friends who visit her.

My sister and my father are miserable. My sister's sister-in-law is getting married in a month's time and her family is going through the motions of preparing for the wedding. While my sister participates in all the festivities, there is a heaviness in her heart. She feels guilty not being able to be totally engrossed with the wedding as is expected of her. It's very hard for her. Her little six year old daughter has many questions of her own - When will Diya get well again and escort me home from school? How does one explain death to a little child? My father has his own battles to fight. For the longest time he was in denial but now it is slowly sinking in and it is very painful for him. He is going through the five stages of grief. He is also scared of the prospect of being all alone for the rest of his life. My mom had been his support and safety net for 40 years, he can't imagine life without her. He told me last night that he hates it when people come up to him and say that they are sorry and that mother is too young to die. He wishes the world to stop talking - Can't they just be quiet?! May be they should just hold his hand or give him a hug. January 30th is their wedding anniversary, it will be very difficult for him.

I spent five weeks in India since mid December, running pillar to post trying my best to secure the best medical care I could find for her, getting the home organized and equipped for mother's long illness, and also help my father sort out the finances. I returned to San Diego last weekend as I had to take care of my business and affairs here. It has been a tumultuous time for me, and I have no idea what the future will look like. When will I get the fateful phone call and have to catch the next flight back? I may never see her again. And the brief conversations on the phone with her these days do not make any sense since she has lost her comprehension of the world.

What do I regret? I have two.

We were not able to save her. She is just 60 years old, its not her time. If this was 20 - 25 years later, I could have better borne this situation. It's too hard to see her reduced to this state. For those who have seen my mother know where I got my active genes. She can't sit still for a moment, always doing something or the other. She never complained of any major sickness all her life and had been in fact blessed with a relatively sickness-free life. Last January, when she was visiting us here in San Diego, she taught a Soma's Kitchen Cooking Class with me. She is the best cook out there and I hope I got some of her cooking genes. On a trip to Joshua Tree National Park last January, she climbed up the rocks like a little monkey! That was my mom, always up for an adventure. Lat year during this very weekend, my parents and I were touring San Francisco! All the rigorous treatment regimes since October has taken a toll on her body, she can barely sit up and has left her incapable of absorbing any drugs. What can we do? I can't get rid of that helpless sinking feeling in my heart that I was not able to save her. But then, I look around the world, with all the bomb blasts, wars, accidents happening and so many people losing their lives. People are losing their loved ones everyday. My grief is as much as theirs, it cannot possibly be more. Those young children in the pediatric oncology wards battling the disease and sometimes losing the battle even before their life has begun. Compared to those kids, my mom had a life, and 60 full years of it. Whether it was good or bad, successful or not, happy or sad, she is the only one who can analyse and answer. We cannot judge her life. She had her own trials, her own challenges, and her own sweet moments to cherish. For us, her family, we feel that she did have a significant life. I have been thinking about life a lot lately. What is a good life? How should we define a full life? What makes it complete? What achievement is good enough so that when one closes one's eyes on the last day on earth, one can say to oneself that they 'made it'?

I was not able to say Goodbye. Yes, even though I was there with her for five weeks, I was not able to say farewell. When her diagnosis got finalized over the New Year, everyone (except me) decided that she should not be told about the gravity of her disease and its terminal nature. The fear was that she will lose the 'will to live' should she 'find out' that there is little hope. All my protests were drowned by comments like "In India, we do not do this, we do not tell people that they are dying. Keep your American ways and ideas to yourself." I did not have the strength to fight them then, but it hurt me very much. If I were to face this situation, I would want to know. I would appreciate having the time to prepare to meet my end and make peace with it. Last January, I came very close to dying and know what it feels like in those last moments when you think it is 'The End'. I was fortunate to be able to come out unscathed from that accident. So, I do appreciate every moment I have on this planet. And so when I was in India, I ached for the opportunity to put my arms around my mother and cry with her, talk to her about our life together, thank her for all she had done for me, and may be even bring out the few grievances I harbor only to ease them forever. May be she had something to tell me too, I will never know. I never got the chance to talk to her. All I did was give her false hopes that someday she will be all right and will sit under the San Diego sun, watch Ozzie and Freo run around in our backyard. Some of my friends who have lost a parent due to a sudden event have shared with me their anguish for not having the opportunity to say goodbye. I feel for them, I understand. My mother's condition is too far gone now and she has lost comprehension. Even if I try to hold this conversation now, it will not work. I have lost my chance to say goodbye too.

As for Hope, I guess it is always there, even when we feel that we have been beaten to the ground. Life sprouts out from a crack in concrete, the force of life is strong all around us. Many have pointed out to me and still do - Miracles have happened, why not with her? Why lose hope until the last breath? On the other hand, we have to be realistic. Death is as sure to come as the sun will rise tomorrow - for all of us. We can only hold it at bay for a bit and given how my mom looks and feels right now, I don't think the chance for a miracle is too high. No, I am not a pessimist, I do not want my mother to die. I am a realist, and I accept the situation for what it is. Also, someone in the family has to be the strong one and that has to be me. It is expected of me.

Maa has been a good soul. She has innumerable friends and well wishers. She has always been there for her friends in good times and bad, and no one seems to bear ill-will towards her. The stream of visitors coming to see her everyday was heartwarming for me. I can feel the love and compassion flowing through the house and it felt great to see my mom loved so much. My friends around the world are also wishing and praying for my mother. May be all this metta will bring about some relief to her. Add to that the fact that my mom has been a very religious lady, there is not one festival when she did not fast and offer her sincere prayers. I think there is not one god out there who did not get his/her due from mom. I do not believe in god, but if there is someone and my mom's reverence was strong enough, I hope her god will grant her some peace.

Goodbye, Mom!

Currents of Change

2011-11-21T15:39:00.000-08:00

The economy has us quite frustrated. It does not seem to get better in the leaps and bounds we expect it to. Since 2000 we have seen many ups and downs in the stock market, but I do not think that is what is causing this economy to stay messed up. It's a problem of expectations.

K through 70. In the 70s and 80s, when people used to get jobs, it implied that the job was a contract for life or at least for a long period of time. You showed up at work everyday, put in your time, and in return you enjoyed the the promise of steady employment with retirement benefits. Since the mid 90s, slowly this security got eroded. Employers could not guarantee job security and people were reluctant to accept this reality. Over the last 20 years, people have come to expect that they will move several jobs in their lifetime. The average tenure at a job in 2010 was 4.4 years, which means that a person may have 8 - 11 job changes in their lifetime! Job changes are no longer the tough part, now we face the next challenge - we need to keep retooling ourselves to stay competitive. The current workforce does not like this reality but will have to accept it. It's do or die, you cannot complain / whine yourself out of it. You have to go back to school and update your skills. K through 12 used to work 20+ years ago, not anymore. In fact, K through 12 and 4/6 years of college will not work either. The new reality is that it's K through 70 - you have to constantly keep updating your skills.

Global Opportunities. Yes, it's a global world and technology has made it happen. The world will get flatter by the day and once again, the sooner we accept that fact, the better. It is for our benefit that we wise up. No use trying to create a security net around us and our business to keep out global competition, we are not isolated anymore. Once we accept this reality, we can take charge. First, we will have to take note of the situation and figure out what we can do to contribute and differentiate. If you are a part of a big organization, you will notice that the leadership structure is no longer the good old pyramid. The organizations have also become quite flat and you have a voice. You have much more information at your disposal to draw your own conclusions and the power to bring about change. Your focus need to shift from 'just being the 9-to-5-plug-n-play employee' to 'this is my contribution to the organization'. You have to be aware of your surroundings and when appropriate seize the opportunity! No, I am not asking you to back-stab others, cheat and rise up the ranks, I am asking you to make yourself valuable to the company with the skills and assets you have. Spend time to understand how the business works and help build the business, in your own way - add value.

Micro Careers and Entrepreneurship. I feel that the environment right now is ripe for micro careers and entrepreneurship. You can make tiny lateral shifts in your career. Add on a skill and make a tiny shift. If you are are a CAD drafter, learn 3-D modeling and move there. Next learn BIM and move on. If your job requires you to stay as a CAD drafter, you will see that your skill level has improved with this additional education. Take on assignments on the side (at home) for 3-D modelling and BIM. Someday you may be able to go on your own and start your own full-fledged business with the new skill, or you may find that your company will change their mind and make you the next BIM manager! Companies are also realizing that the shelf life of their product or service solution is limited. They feel the need to innovate and sometimes cannot figure out how to go about it. It is in the employee's advantage to self train on a new skill and be ready when the company needs it or when the opportunity presents itself just change jobs!

Entitlement Culture. Live within your means. This is also a problem in our current day and age. Seems like we always want to buy the latest gadget and by the time it gets delivered to our door, its already outdated! I think we need to focus on what we actually need and not on the thrills of the moment. Do we really need a palatial home and eight computers for a family of four? What happened to the good old advice of knowing how much you earn, spend less than you make, boost your income if you can, don't try to keep up with the Joneses, have an emergency fund / nest egg, and save up to buy something you really desire instead of just buying with credit? These words of wisdom is not new, but somehow it seems that over the last few decades we have been lulled into taking useless risks that we should not have, and then developed an expectation to be saved! We shout that life is unfair when we have to face the music, but have conveniently forgotten that we were indeed part of the band playing that tune just a few years ago. We reap what we sow - it's a hard lesson, but we have to go through this tough phase and grow up!

It all comes back to setting our expectations to reality. We need to be a Realist and an Optimist. No, the sky is not falling on our heads, we are just going through a phase and this too shall pass. Look at this as a learning opportunity and do not confuse wishing and wanting with pursuing. Take the time to figure out what is worth wishing and wanting in the first place. Dream, for only you have the power and authority to build your dream. You have the power to change the course, do not waste the time looking back. Take charge of your situation, however dismal it may appear at the moment, reset your expectations and build from a solid foundation.

Happiness, the Elusive Friend

2011-11-19T13:53:00.001-08:00

Have you ever wondered how so-and-so seems happy and why you do not feel that way that often? When we look at others, it seems like their life is just perfect - their career seems to be working well with increased recognition, they seem to be spending more and having a better lifestyle, their relationships seem to be going well, they seem to be jovial all the time.... Yes, we all have been there; especially when some aspect of our life seems to us not living up to our expectations.

My realization has been that we need to focus on the definition of happiness that is tailored to our life rather than a perceived notion of what makes others happy. I believe that happiness is derived from three sources - Thrills, Flow / Zone, and Purpose.

Sources of Happiness

Thrills make us Happy. These are intense positive emotions experienced over a short period of time. Examples: a roller coaster ride, shopping for and then discovering a new gadget, driving or riding in a fast car, a good dinner and drink, sex, watching a game.... During these thrill moments, time seems to go in slow motion, you have a moment-by-moment memory. Remember your favorite sportsman playing the winning shot? You probably remember the whole 10 seconds as a 10+ minute slow motion movie, complete with the thoughts going through your head as commentary. And every time you recollect that incident, you briefly go to your happy place. Yes, this happens to all of us. We also wish that these intense pure raw emotions last forever or that our life gets filled with more and more of these feelings. In reality, this does not happen, and that makes us sad. Many try to recreate these moments by seeking the thrills all the time, some get hurt in the process either physically, or financially, or emotionally.

Zone / Flow makes us Happy. These are times when the mind is calm and serene and we get lost in the work that we are doing and forget the passage of time. We get so engrossed that we forget hunger, sleep, and thirst. I bet many of you have been in that space too and will fondly recollect the times when you were lost in The Zone or were in The Flow. A great example of this is the Runners High that people experience when training for long-distance marathons. I remember my feelings when I was training very vividly. Another is may be working on a report at work where you stayed up all night without even realizing how the time went by? May be you spent a whole day painting and forgot to eat? I often have these experiences when I work and also when I cook. I have seen my husband having this feeling when he is brewing beer. The task is so satisfying that you are lost in it. Dr. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi has a good body of work on this form of happiness. I recommend you read his books to learn more and try to create more opportunities of Zone/ Flow in your life and for the people surrounding you - at home, at play, and at work.

Purpose makes us Happy. This is the most difficult one to pin down but this actually is the most gratifying. It is very hard to work out your purpose and takes a lot of introspection and analysis. We often do not have the time to do this or think that the time is not worth spending on finding this purpose. But that feeling of hollowness or emptiness that you often feel in spite of the Thrills and Zone/Flow you experience is because you are not in sync with the purpose. Each one needs to take the journey of finding this purpose by yourself, no one can do this for you. Once you have figured out this purpose, you will see that every aspect of your life will flow out of it and you will no longer have that emptiness deep inside. For me meditation helped me find the purpose. I went on a 10-day meditation retreat where we did not talk for ten days and did not even make eye contact with other people. It settled my mind down and cut the chatter out, and then it was quite clear, like the fog went away. It was a great feeling. Now, my daily task is to keep in sync with that purpose and when I do that, I feel very happy!

We need all three to be Happy. I believe that we need a healthy proportion of all three, Thrills, Zone /Flow and Purpose, to be Happy. When we are kids, Thrills make up most of the pie, and that is how it should be. As we mature, we start to identify the tasks that put us in the Zone / Flow. Once we identify those tasks and do more of it, not only do we improve our skill level in those tasks, they also make us peaceful and serene. As we move on the journey of life, if we start the quest for Purpose and find it, it makes life just worth living. Purpose then is the wind in our sails and we become jubilant!
My lesson in life has been to try and maintain a healthy proportion of all three in my life, absence of either ingredient may actually dent my happiness. My pie now has more Purpose and less Thrills. But all three are indeed present. I am Happy!

What a Wonderful World!

2011-10-27T22:26:00.000-07:00

"What a Wonderful World" by Lois Armstrong is playing in my head. And that is really making me think 'It's all right".

Why do I feel so positive? I feel accountability and sustainability is slowly gaining prominence in the general psyche of the population. It's slow, but that's how it should be - slow and steady.

- Yes, we are reaching the 7 Billion mark and the prospect of being able to feed, clothe, provide safe water, sanitation and shelter is a scary thought. Furthermore by 2030 we may be close to 10 Billion.

- Yes, the economy is really bad and with 9%+ unemployment, these are hard times. All the 'developed' nations seem to be in debt crisis, Wall Street is fluctuating every minute taking us on a roller coaster ride of our lifetime.

- Yes, there is still political uncertainty in the Middle East, from Syria to Iraq to Afghanistan. There are wars going on in so many places around the world.

- Yes, there are still natural disasters happening - earthquakes, tsunamis, droughts, and tornadoes. The arctic ice and major glaciers are melting at a rapid rate further intensifying the impact of these natural disasters.

- Yes, there is corruption and fraud. And there are people who are making every effort every day to rob you of your identity, your finances, your livelihood.

- Yes, the list goes of everything that is going wrong or can go wrong.

Then, What is Making Me So Happy?

- When governments around the world are not being able to pull it together, non-profits like Water For People, Gates Foundation, etc. are working to solve the food-water-shelter problem from the grassroots level. They are not blindly throwing money and equipment at it, they are working on social entrepreneurship model, building from the ground up, empowering the masses to device fit-for-purpose local sustainable solutions.

- A huge number of people across the world is asking for accountability in the way we do business. I may not agree with every person in that group about the methods employed in these protests, but I feel that there is a general consensus around the world population that the way we have been running the economy is not sustainable and it has to change. And with that kind of change in people's expectations is good. Governments will hear and so will businesses if they want to survive. This recent story about Amazon is good and I hope it is true.

- Unaided by major external forces, a large chunk of the world is moving towards democracy, especially in the Middle East. The democracy we will find there may not be similar to the definition we have in the US or elsewhere, it will be tailored to their culture and local requirement. The good thing here is that the people have realized that they have the power to bring about change, and they are doing it.

- Natural disasters have happened in the past and will happen in the future. Too bad that the quantity and the intensity seem to have increased. But, look at the rapid response you get these days and from all around the world. With communication so rapid and news spreading so fast in this flat world, people see, they feel, and they react. Emergency relief is happening faster than ever. Is it perfect yet, no I am not saying that. But it is getting better by leaps an bounds. Better mapping leads to better decision making, better portable aid systems are being designed and deployed. There is room for improvement, and we are on track.

- Everyday I hear stories of some fight going on around the world against corruption and fraud. Again, I did not agree with the Anna Hazare method in India, but the underlying cause is commendable. There are still some very tenacious journalists and caring social workers crusading on issues to help build an equitable world. These people are slowly getting traction.

As each day goes by, I sense people starting to ask the hard questions about finite resources, methods of reuse, sustainable business practices, life-cycle costs, etc. I feel that all these changes are happening for the good. There is no quick fix to any problem - every change has to happen slow if you want it to last. It has to happen one step at a time. With 7 billion people taking one step at a time in the same direction, the progress will be amplified.

I am delighted to be able to sense the beginning of this change, I hope that I will live to see a great deal more. And even if my time comes before I see these changes being amplified by resonance, I will still be happy.

Because ......

I see trees of green........ red roses too
I see 'em bloom..... for me and for you
And I think to myself.... what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue..... clouds of white
Bright blessed days....dark sacred nights
And I think to myself .....what a wonderful world.

The colors of a rainbow.....so pretty ..in the sky
Are also on the faces.....of people ..going by
I see friends shaking hands.....sayin'.. how do you do
They're really sayin'......I love you.

I hear babies cry...... I watch them grow
They'll learn much more.....than I'll never know
And I think to myself .....what a wonderful world

What a Wonderful World!

Five Habits That Have Helped Me

2011-09-15T08:38:00.000-07:00

In this post, I share a few lessons learned over the years that I think have helped me tremendously. As I mentioned here, I don't claim to be any expert. I am a common person, trying to figure out how the world works and what should be my role.

Learning
Through my childhood years, learning anything beyond the coursework was discouraged. It was because such extra learning may take time, energy, and brain space out of what was needed to absorb in order to get good grades. So, I never developed the habit to read. My husband, on the other hand, is an avid reader and I admire this trait in him. Over the years with him, I have been able to cultivate this habit too. My childhood curiosity, that was stifled in the early years, has started to blossom and in the last five years I have become a sponge for new information. Oh! I love it! I have taken on subjects that I never used to work with earlier. I have read books of all kinds - biographies, self-help books, management books, art, crafts, fiction, cooking, technical, etc. I listen to audio books, so my long car rides are never boring. Thanks to podcasts, there is also a constant stream of audio knowledge. What's the plan forward? I intend to take up a new subject every two to three years and learn it. I have been learning management in the last few years and right now I have picked up accounting. These few years of study will by no means make me an expert, but I know it will enrich me and help me understand the subject matter more than I currently do. Above all, I think it will make me "Open and Willing" to accept new ideas and help me appreciate this beautiful world around me. I have a 'bucket list' of subjects I want pursue: economics, painting, writing, archaeology, music, psychology, photography, zoology, journalism, botany, film making,...... I think with this ongoing list, I will never age - the curiosity will keep me vibrant till the day I die. At least that's my age-defying mantra!

15 minutes-a-day Organizing
This was a hard habit learned. I am usually organized, especially at work. My desk is clean most of the time and I have a system to handle papers and other materials. But scheduling few minutes out of my daily routine and to just focus on this activity everyday has made a big difference in my productivity. When I walk into the office in the morning, cup of coffee in hand, I check my email first and then turn it off - Yes, I shut down the program. Then I spend the next 15 minutes going through my desk, then other piles on bookcases and tables, even the pen and pencil holders. I assign places where each item needs to go and put them there. No, I do not take action on the item at hand, I just categorize it and make it ready for action. This time is strictly for organizing, not for action. And yes, I have a timer going. The 15 minutes go by fast! Sometimes I spend a little more time, but NEVER less than 15 minutes. I think these 15 minutes are very useful minutes of the day. As you clear clutter and get organized, your world gets sorted - not only in the world right in front of your eyes (your office desk and the room), but also in your subconscious. I find that when I do this activity everyday, it clears out the mind and helps me focus more effectively. It's like a mini-meditation!

Ideas Journal
This started about couple months ago and I am loving the concept. I was chatting with a friend and we were discussing how our heads are full of all these ideas chatter. Every time I meet a person or read an interesting article or see something, my brain makes these 20+ connections to new and old ideas, projects, other people, etc. I used to keep all that in my head and so far it was going all right. But as my universe expands, I am sure I will not be manage all that effectively to produce credible results. So this Ideas Journal is my plan. It's simple - a cute bound notebook. Every time I have a light bulb that goes off in my mind, I write it down in this one book. Does not matter what topic its related to. Every idea starts with a new page. It's the Idea on top, followed by a few bullet points answering the following - Why, What, How, Who, and When. If I don't have all the bullet points answered right away, never mind, it's all right. It will come to me when I am ready. Later, say on a lazy Sunday afternoon, with a glass of my favorite red wine in hand, I sift through the journal. As I read, some ideas stick and I write a bit more about them. I intend to develop these ideas into projects, but I do know that every seed takes it's own time to germinate, so I do not force them. When they are ready, they will pop out and I will act on them. Well, as I said, I just started this exercise, check with me next year and see what worked. I have a feeling that this will be a good thing.

Note Cards
When I was in eighth grade, my English teacher, Mrs. Hariharan, had asked us to start this habit. I remember the instruction very clearly. She took out a small notepad out of her purse and showed it to us. She then read out one or two sentences that she had collected over the years from books she had read. She asked us to form this habit and said that it will pay off in the future. Well, I did not pick up that habit then. Neither did I pick up the habit from another mentor and teacher I had in college. He too carried a small notebook in which he collected tidbits of information for use later. I never saw the point of it then. Well, now I do! May be because I am now older and wiser(?). I buy a set of plain index cards from the local store and keep them handy with a pencil every time I am reading a book, surfing the internet, etc. If some sentence catches my fancy, I write it down. Later I organize them into categories of my choice - I have a few shoe-boxes set aside for these cards. Since I have now written these beautiful thoughts, I find it very easy to recollect later. Say I want to express a thought that's almost at my fingertips but I am having difficulty. Most often than not, I have an index card that inspires me. No, I do not copy from these cards, they are there to help me formulate the words and say what I want to say effectively. Some of these cards are indeed quotes and I use quotes generously too. These note cards are my inspiration.

Networking
You are probably going - Duh! We all know you need to network! Well, I did not. The first eight years of my career I hardly met with people outside my career group and when I did meet them, I did not know what to talk, what to say, and used to be a bit bored too. It's great that my husband is in a different field than me and has spent a lot of time in the university, so we did have a good social circle. I loved our friends and we had some great parties that I remember very fondly. But, our group was very homogeneous and lacked diversity of careers - most of our friends were either engineers like me or scientists like him. As a result, I feel our exposure was not as wide as it could be. Over the years this has changed and my circle has broadened tremendously. I feel so enriched by the perspectives from all the different people I have come to know. A lawyer, and accountant, a marketer, a real estate agent, a securities analyst, an IT developer, a social scientist, an economist, a non-profit manager, the list goes on and on. When we gather, the discussions are so much more interesting and views often so different. You get to appreciate where each person is coming from and what process frames their position. So what I have done very deliberately for the last couple years is to seek out networking events that are way outside my knowledge base. I routinely attend events hosted by life tech, clean tech, business groups, IT groups, production engineer groups, etc. I have found that they are very welcoming as well. Of course, this is just the beginning and my universe will only expand from here. Apart from the broadening perspective, the other benefit of this expanding universe is that you now get a big pool of people to tap into for expert knowledge and opinion when you need. It's a great resource!

I would be very interested to know what other habits have helped you. Please drop me a line or two. I am forever open and willing to learn and network!

The System is broken? What do I do?

2011-09-12T11:48:00.000-07:00

The system is broken!
My colleagues don't seem to listen to the bright ideas I have to fix the system!
Why don't people just fix the broken system?!
Why don't people just listen and work out the plan!
I am appalled by the prevalent stupidity all around me!
How come no one gets the problem but me?!
How can people in important positions be so outright stupid! How come they get promoted there?!

How often have your thoughts been like this?
I don't know about you, I have been there and quite frequently. Till about a year and half ago, I was consistently in this exasperation and frustration bracket and my life was hell - a living hell. Oh yes, it is a terrible place to be. Yes, I felt a high because of the emotions - I was right and everyone was wrong, I was angry, I was better than the rest of them.....
I could not come to terms with the way the world runs and at every moment of the way I was finding the inefficiencies that drove me to the wall. I used to stand there with my back against the wall and shout loud as how retarded the people are and the system was, and how I had all the answers if only anyone would care to listen. It frustrated me to no end and I wondered why I did not have enough followers, why were only a few people following my drumbeat and not everyone? Why were most people acting contrary to the 'right way to do things'?
Does this sound familiar? Have you felt like this sometime in your life?

Early last year, I spent few days in retrospection. It was very hard to do this analysis - like wrenching out all the deep ingrained roots, studying them, and then throwing them out. Painful, very painful indeed. After that, I made one decision and one alone. I am going to be "Open and Willing". It's a concept of letting go of the emotions and looking at the elephant for what it is.

Graphic credit

Once I moved away and stepped back, I began to get the perspectives of others and started to appreciate where each and every person was coming from. After I did this, I realized that I have only just begun to understand the problem for what it is. It was a very humbling step and very hard to digest.

Am I there yet? Have I figured it all? Oh no, I probably just crossed the threshold and there is a long path ahead of me. Here's my plan /understanding on how this 'changing the world' concept works:

Accept that it will be a LONG drawn-out process, no quick-fix and sometimes no fix in my lifetime.
Develop an Atticus Finch personality.
Make a difference in my own little way in spite of the system and the people around me. And I am NOT expecting any accolades for it.

Let's see how this pans out. My life is now a wonderful experiment that I am devising as I go. But, you know what, I am very happy these days. Deep down inside I am at peace, and that helps me keep this experiment on track.

Glide with your Symphony - The Key to 'Getting There'

2011-06-27T10:57:00.000-07:00

In my mid thirties and I am only just learning to swim. I try to make it to the gym three days a week to practice. I can flutter my feet well, my arm strokes are good too; but I cannot seem to be able to synchronize my breathing with the feet and arms. I can do half the length of the pool with one breath, and am very proud of that! My biggest challenge is to breathe and last Friday, I was trying to accomplish that with no success. Thoughts of failure were going through my head - Shall I ever learn to swim? What about my dream to snorkel in the great reefs of the world and scuba dive someday? I may be just too old to do this! Wish I had learned this when I was a kid.......

I was at this effort almost for an hour when a friendly swimmer came by and offered some advice. He said "Don't fight the water. Let the water hold you, use it. Think of your favorite symphony and try to glide with its rhythm in your head." I thought, that's odd, but why not give his method a try? What do I have to lose, I can't drown in 4 ft of water. For the last month and half I have proved to myself that I am not drowning that easily. Let's see if his advice can help me float. And lo and behold, I was able to do four full lengths of the pool and synchronize my breathing with the strokes. It was not seamless symphony, but I was able to synchronize. It was a start! It was fantastic! Made my day! I could really do it! Now I have to just practice the lesson to make perfect! Wow!

Over the weekend, I thought about the instruction. This applies so much to life, doesn't it? All the time, we try to fight to get to our goal. I know, I did it a lot and still do at times, both in my professional and personal life. We have a goal identified and the drive within us pushes us to throw in all our might to achieve the goal and try harder and harder. Eventually, we often do succeed, but often we get frustrated and 'drop it'. Or after we do succeed, it does not seem that sweet a victory, we just so exhausted by the trials. It's no different from learning to swim, you know you can do it (so many people can swim, why can't you?), and there is always problems and resistance (the water pushing against you), you have the fear of failure (drowning), and you try too hard and get stressed (fanatically throw your arms and legs about, gulp water).......

The solution is so simple - Don't try to fight the water. Accept it for what it is. Feel it, observe how it touches you, the texture, the softness, the resistance, the buoyancy, how it holds you.... Understand it, and more importantly - Appreciate it, Respect it. Then, think up your favorite symphony. Feel it's rhythm. Align your strokes with the familiar rhythm in your mind. Glide as if your strokes are playing in the orchestra, seamless and in perfect harmony with the water. Work with peace in your heart and mind, no emphatic force required. You will get there - it's the law of nature!

Books that have Helped me

2011-06-12T17:09:00.000-07:00

I was going through my library this morning and thought I should list the five books that have influenced me deeply in my personal development. Here they are, in no special order of importance. The impact of all these books on me have been immense and each one has helped me refine my life over the last four years. These are my 'top-shelf' books and I treasure them!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ambition is Not a Dirty Word
by Debra Condren

My husband picked this book out for me during a trip to India (in 2008) at a bookstore in Mumbai. I was then going through some problems with my boss. My boss and I had severe differences in opinion and I was very frustrated to see her ruining the project I was responsible for. I desperately needed some guidance to tackle this issue, I just couldn't let a $100 million project go haywire. Debra's book was a lifesaver. I read the book three times in a span of two weeks - the pages were thumbed, I had underlined important passages, and scribbled all over the book. This book reinforced my confidence and influenced me so much that I excerpted parts of this book to write a mini speech, memorized it, and then talked with my boss' boss about my fears and concerns regarding the said project and outlined the steps needed to 'fix the problem'. The result: I was relieved of my stressful position and promoted to a more expansive role in the organization because of my ability to perceive problems and formulate 'fixes'. Furthermore, I got full corporate support to effect changes on not one but twelve projects! What can I say, the book is a 'must have' for all women.
After moving back to the US, I contacted Debra. We email and talk to each other often. Every time I thank her for such a profound book. She is a good friend and perhaps some day I may even work with her to help other women.

Work Smarter Not Harder
by Jack Collis

This was a fantastic find at Berkelouw Books on Oxford St., Paddington, Sydney. During my mini-vacation trips to the beautiful harbor city in early 2009, hubby used to be at work, and I used to spend hours (sometimes the entire day) at that bookstore perusing through their fantastic collection of new and used books. I found many jewels there and this is definitely one of the precious few. The book goes step by step to define an effectiveness plan, first by getting organized, setting up priorities, and then eliminating time wasters. I had quite a few "Aha moments", but Chapter 5 - New Attitudes for Effectiveness, helped me the most. It got me to recognize Guilt, Worry, Fear of Failure, and Anger as big barriers in my progress and as soon as I was able to recognize them I was able to take charge and eliminate them. Self development is a very gradual process and it takes time. Nothing happens overnight. The first step is to realize that you are sitting in the passenger seat of your life and once you 'get it', then you can slowly plan a method to get onto the driver's seat, map where you want to go, and press on the accelerator!

The Rules of Work
by Richard Templar

Another gem found in Australia - I picked this one up for in-flight reading from Cairns airport on the way to Alice Springs in 2008. I was on a 10-day backpacking vacation from Alice Springs to Darwin with two lovely companions. I was not looking for a book like this in particular, but when I came across it at the airport bookstore, I was intrigued, so I bought it. My friends commented - 'Geez, Soma, aren't you on this vacation to run away from work?' I smiled. This book was a great read and a perfect companion for the long 3-day bus ride on Stuart Highway. You don't have to start from the beginning or from the end - start anywhere, any random page, and a core truth will jump at you. There are exactly 100 strategies mentioned, some overlap but all very relevant. At each rule, there is a framed kernel of wisdom that you may want to imprint in your brain permanently. If you can master all these rules, I bet you work life will become a relaxing stroll on the beach. It's a very handy book to keep as a ready reference and open it up every now and then and check yourself for proper behavior and attitude.

Rules of Thumb
by Alan Webber

This book was a fairly recent find, after I started my business in October last year. I picked this book from the library and at first I did not think too much about it. May be the title put me off - "52 Truths for Winning at Business Without Losing Your Self". It felt like those flimsy books trying to make you feel good, e.g. "10 Things You Can Do to Help Save the Earth"! I am not a fan of sweet coating the truth, I believe that hard facts of life are indeed hard and should be presented as such. Anyway, I decided to bring it home and give it a try. Boy! Was I impressed! This book seemed to be top-notch wisdom served to you in bite-sized pieces. I am so thankful that Alan Webber did not decide to write 52 books and put all of his 'lessons learned' in life in one concise book. The best way to get through this book is to read a chapter at a time, then let it seep in for few weeks. Then re-read the chapter. Every time you go back to the chapters, your subconscious mind has had time to ponder and you will feel pleased to be able to grasp the nuances of the wisdom through your own life experiences. It's a masterpiece!

My Stroke of Insight
by Jill Bolte Taylor

I heard Dr. Taylor's TEDTalk in 2010. What she said resonated very deeply with me at that time. No, I did not have a stroke, but during a Vipassana meditation course early 2010, I was able to successfully suppress the incessant left-brain chatter and experience the nirvana-like feeling stemming from the vibrant right-brain. That experience was somewhat spiritual for me, and being an engineer I was not able to explain the experience through my accumulated knowledge base. Her book explained the science behind it. I loved it! The last two chapters are my favorite where she says "that deep inner peace is just a thought/feeling away". Happiness is a choice, and it's too sad that many do not exercise this choice. If you read this book, you will realize that you have the power to actually determine how your brain perceives emotions and you can control it at your own will. Also, you can train your mind to react differently to external stimulation and that "Enlightenment is not a process of learning, it is a process of unlearning". What the great Yogis and Zen masters have told us for eons is elucidated very clearly in the language of science - through the story of brain cells and their fantastic multidimensional circuitry.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

These five books that have influenced me in the last four years. They hold a permanent place on my bookshelf and I keep them close for ready reference. Hope you will find their wisdom helpful as well. Please do send me feedback, and share with me books that have helped you grow. I will appreciate that very much.

"I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be."

2011-06-09T21:22:00.000-07:00

It's the middle of the year and I am in a reflective kind of mood. It was a very busy six months - with parents visiting, major proposals, some great projects, mini-vacations, new recipes, fun time with friends and the joy of meeting really old friends after eons....

So all this got me thinking - why not write a note every six months and chronicle how I have grown - psychologically (after all that's the real thing!). So today I set the baseline with a little history.

My childhood and early adulthood was sort of a dark place, not too many happy memories but am glad I survived it to see this day. Whatever it was is gone now - the anger, the intense frustration, the severe case of "Why me?" - it's gone. No, I have not forgiven yet, but I have made peace with it - I can move on now. The last four years have been very satisfying and I am so glad that I can reflect and realize myself now. Last January I went to a ten-day meditation retreat where we did not speak for ten long days and meditated for over 11 hours a day. That was a life changing event for me. While I did not have major breakthrough during those ten days, over the ensuing months I realized how profound that mental boot-camp was for me and how it opened doors that I never thought existed or did not have the mental clarity to see. Bolstered by that new-found confidence, last October I left a well- paying, prosperous and defined career path to launch my own company. I also acted on my desire to cook and teach people what I know, hence Soma's Kitchen was born.

Fast forward to 2011. January was very important for me - I nearly died in a major accident - but I didn't! Not a day goes by that I do not think how lucky I was to survive that crash, and that too with no injuries at all. Health has been a bit difficult this year - my old eye problem came back, and my back still bothers me. As a result I am several pounds over where I would like to be. In spite of it all, I am just very happy and lucky to be alive!

So today I jot down what I see in the mirror:

I am a passionate person, mostly about creating something new. I like to dream and pursue that dream to fruition. It gives me tremendous satisfaction to see a job well done. May be this is why I love my business so much and also my cooking experiments.

I also like variety in my work. I seem to chase problems and want to always fix them. I am an efficiency Nazi. It's really bad - when I walk into a restaurant, one part of my brain is analyzing how the tables are laid out and how the waiters are walking around and what will be the optimum arrangement!

I suppose I will define myself as free-thinking, risk-taking maverick. I am a fringe player that likes to buck the system when it's too bureaucratic. Again, that's why I am so happy being my own boss, I suppose.

I seem to have the entrenched need to impress other people and prove myself. Yes, I admit it. This is not the only thing that drives me, but it is a reason for my drive.

I enjoy being engaged all the time - being busy and excited with a new project or event. I love it! I don't think I get stressed that often anymore - I actually enjoy being in 'the zone' and thrive on that energy. It's my 'high' and I like it!

I also realize that I do not need or want lots of money or luxury. I can actually do without the latest gadget, fast car, fancy clothes, etc. They don't really move me. That does not mean that I will accept a life of a pauper - I just feel very comfortable in the lifestyle I have right now and am not craving any other material want.

I like to travel. I think that's my most coveted wish right now. I value that experience of meeting new people, touching an unknown land, tasting and smelling the new food, listening to the cacophony of unfamiliar sounds. If it was possible, I would take a whole year or two off and go back-packing around the world.

I want to write a book. I am not sure what it will be about - memoir, or a travelogue, or a cookbook, or something in the lines of what lessons I learned in life - may be a mix of all these. Someday....

Where am I heading? Who can say? Life's ephemeral. I have now learned to live in the moment and squeeze as much happiness I can get out of it. I have decided (Yes, I believe that it is a decision, a conscious choice) that I am not going to let negatives affect me. And when I see myself getting bothered, I will just dissociate myself from those entities that make me miserable. I know how lucky I am to be alive, I am not going to waste a minute!

What I think this moment: "I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be."

Why is it so hard?

2011-04-26T14:34:00.000-07:00

"Why is it so hard?" "Why don't (someone) see the issue and just do the right thing?"....

Have you ever felt this way? Have you ever tried to convince your friend / family/ coworker/ boss of a better way to do things, of change that can help them and the work / society at large? Only to be faced with a resistance that did not make sense? Have you ever wondered that in spite of all logical reasons and facts, people just don't want to do the right thing or change for the better?

Here are few examples:
Jamie Oliver wants kids in LA schools to have good healthy food. He was blocked.
There is resistance in the form of Not In My Back Yard (NIMBY) for most public projects.
If a friend / colleague behaves inappropriately and you call it out and try to make them understand, it is usually you who gets marginalized?
Climate Change activists and believers are ridiculed and humiliated in TV shows and in the news.

What are we trying to do here? We are trying to bring about CHANGE.
Leading these change efforts we find deeply committed people who believe in their cause, are convinced that they are right, and are prepared to sacrifice their careers if need be. And in most cases, that is what happens. But can it be different?

It's not enough to be convinced that you are right. Because the other side is equally convinced that they are right. If you want to bring about real change, do not try to convince people that they are wrong. This will only change your motive into "it's me or him" and you are most certainly going to lose. And on the way out, you will be labeled a military zealot by the people around you, while you will call yourself a martyr. In any case, you have failed in your mission, that is to bring about the change you believe in and the change that is for the greater good.

If you actually want to bring about the change, do not die for it, try some techniques that will make the math work on your favor. Try these:

It's going to be a LONG journey. Be very clear in the way you think - you are here in this "change mobile" for the long haul. You are not going to look for a quick victory - if you care about the cause that much, you have to be here for the long term and see it through. Mind you, even if you have made progress and won a little victory here and there, you have to prepare yourself as to not rest. In many cases you will find that if you have managed to bring about a change, the battle keeps reappearing form time to time - you have to be there on the sidelines to make sure that the change is permanent. Be very sure that you are ready to embark on this long journey before you jump onto the wagon.

Speak the Language. Learn the other side's point of view. Learn their language and arguments better than they do. You have to have a better point than tit-for-tat. Your arguments must have more "oomph", it cannot just be a "this is the right thing" argument. Think about what extra you have to offer, find it and present it. For example, to be green is to reduce your energy and water footprint. It is the right thing to do, no doubt about that. But it's not always economically feasible in the short term, it always costs more money to be green! Why would people want to do it? Why would companies want to do it? You have to rephrase the point by putting the brackets further out and make an economical argument with a cradle to grave costs, that will then turn the argument around. You have to almost always back up your argument with something more than just the moral cause.

Offer a Solution. This is the most important lesson, I think. It's all about action. It's not good enough to be against something that is bad - you have to be able to offer something that is better. Whether you are trying to convince your boss or a random person on the internet - just pointing out the mistake or the problem in the status quo will not work for them. If all you are offering is nothing instead of what is going on - there will be no change. You have to have a clear action plan written out and offer that to your opponent as an alternative. I find a lot of friends stuck in this problem. While most of them know that the status quo is wrong, sometimes even morally wrong; but they do not have a solution to replace it. All they do is either stand up and shout loudly with people hardly listening and usually writing them off, or, I find them very frustrated and complaining. Well, stand up all right. But first write down the action plan and then do it!

Find allies before you go to war. Often people who want to bring about change are so convinced that they are doing the right thing, they end up working themselves into a corner themselves and also find themselves all alone. To really bring about change you have to cut across the boundaries and form alliances. Bring along the risk-adverse crowd, convince them that your solution meets their criteria, especially of economics. For example, if you walk through a random village in Africa, you will find many examples of of aid projects that have failed. Why? The intent was good, the project no doubt was resourced well, then why did it fail? In most of those projects, the people did not feel that they 'owned' them. These aid projects were often either seen as 'handouts' or 'hidden agenda' since most aid projects were done as one-off, quick in-n-out fixes by agents from another culture. They did not have the buy-in required from people on the ground, the real beneficiaries. Some aid agencies have figured this problem out now and are working with a new model on the ground - building allies before action. It is a slow process and it takes you the first point above - you have to be patient yet with a dogged determination.

No one said that this is going to be easy! If you really care for your cause, all the four points mentioned above will not be too difficult to implement. Just do not get into the rut of complaint or outrage - that kind of behavior does not help anyone - only ruins the cause you so care about.

You are the Only Judge

2011-02-26T09:47:00.000-08:00

As we go through life, we are always always measuring our progress and success - that's what keeps us motivated in life. Most of the time we measure against other people because we crave for recognition or approval. We define success by what we perceive the society will define as success, and sometimes we take a few wrong steps along the way to get that 'success'.

This poem below beautifully says what the real issue is - it's YOU. All your anxiety will be gone if you can see eye to eye with the man in the glass.

THE MAN IN THE GLASS by Dale Wimbrow

When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day
Just go to a mirror and look at yourself
And see what THAT man has to say.

For it isn't your father or mother or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.

Some people may think you a straight-shootin' chum
And call you a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.

He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear up to the end,
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend.

You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life
And get pats on your back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the man in the glass.

Strategies for Improving Professional Life and Workplace

2010-11-18T08:01:00.000-08:00

I gave this presentation on Nov 17, 2010 at Orange County Society of Women Engineers Dinner Meeting. This is Part One of the six part series I am developing for improving personal effectiveness.

There are thousands of good books and training programs from which I draw my inspiration and content and I acknowledge them all. Nothing here is 'new', for the wisdom has been there since the ancient times - we are just adapting the wisdom to our modern lifestyle. I encourage you all to use this content and apply it in your personal lives to enrich yourself.

Enjoy the presentation. Five more presentations will follow.
Contact me if you have questions or need personalized assistance. I will be glad to help.

Talk in November, see you there…

2010-10-22T08:39:00.001-07:00

Dinner Meeting - Wednesday November 17, 2010

Strategies for Improving Professional Life and Workplace

Presented by: Soma Bhadra, P.E.

Professionals find themselves working harder by the day and yet feeling unappreciated, increasingly stressed, and unsatisfied with where they are in life and in their careers. This two-part presentation will start by addressing how to examine, resolve, and overcome work related problems, predicaments, complications, and road blocks. Valuable tips on distinct methods to work smarter and efficiently while maintaining the same level of effort will be examined. Managing emotional relationships and tactics for maneuvering the workplace will be highlighted. Next, tools for employees and their managers to create an engaged and smart workforce will be offered. Managers and mentors will find key lessons on how to keep the workforce enthused and motivated.

TIME: 6:00 p.m. Networking

6:30 p.m. Dinner

7:00 p.m. Presentation

WHERE: RBF Consulting, 14725 Alton Parkway, Irvine, CA 92618-2027

COST: $5 members / students / unemployed

$10 non-members

MENU: Dinner will be catered by: Boneheads Grilled Fish and Piri Piri Chicken

(Please indicate if you are vegetarian when you RSVP)

RSVP: Reply to Trish @ swe-oc-programs@swe.org by Monday November 15^th. Food will be ordered according to RSVP count so please RSVP early. Indicate your status when you RSVP (i.e. member, non-member, student…). An RSVP is a financial commitment.

DINNER MEETING HOSTED BY: RBF Consulting

Has anything changed since the 1970s?

2010-02-21T10:55:00.000-08:00

Pray tell, how much has changed since the 1970s? I am at times very disheartened by the fact that "PINK" and "BLUE" is more pronounced these days.

The Key to a Fulfilled Life

2009-10-24T22:05:00.001-07:00

Life’s greatest fruit – a fulfilled life – is always at the end of the branch. You have to be willing to fall out of the tree to get it.

The key is to have people around you who can catch you if you happen to fall. So grow your network of trusted friends around you as you go taking risks to grab the fruit of life. You will be truly successful (fulfilled) only if these people support you.

Who are these people? They are:

Partner and Family - Family support is crucial and essential. You need to fall in love with your job at hand to be successful. You partner should also indulge in your love affair with your business. The family has got to be tolerant and listen to you when you have ideas to discuss, and then give you the support. What are families for? If they do not give you this support, I don't think they love you enough and you need to either quit your dream or your family.

Mentors - Don't be afraid to ask for help. Surround yourself with mentors - each with a specific knowledge that you do not have. They will teach you, if you are humble enough to want to learn. When mentors invest their energy in you, they want you to succeed, it’s a great sense of accomplishment for them to see you succeed.

Your employees – Hire the best and respect them for their skills. You cannot be master of all trades - but, you can easily pick up the basics from them and then let the experts deal with the specific challenges. Empower each of your employees to make decisions, trust them.

Above all: Be receptive, the real rewards will come to those who keep an open mind to feedback, drive for new opportunities and a far-sighted eye out for obstacles.

Emotional Abuse

2009-09-17T12:54:00.000-07:00

Patrix's post got me charged up about this issue. I have lived through emotional abuse as a child and because of my personal experience, I am especially sensitive to this subject and still bear the scars. I do not know if I will ever get over it, I am however making a very conscious effort to do so.

To love and be loved is the very reason of existence for human beings. We are social beings and being isolated and lonely does not work. Children are the most vulnerable lot when it comes to the need for love. When that love is conditional, it is an abuse that is so deep seated that it never cures.

Quoting Andrew Vachss - "Emotional abuse is the systematic diminishment of another. It may be intentional or subconscious (or both), but it is always a course of conduct, not a single event. It is designed to reduce a child's self-concept to the point where the victim considers himself unworthy—unworthy of respect, unworthy of friendship, unworthy of the natural birthright of all children: love and protection."

The parents abuse their power over the child by -

Bullying and demeaning the child's efforts: "You can never get it right!", "You are so stupid!", "You'll never be a success like XX", "I'm ashamed you're my child", "You have humiliated me in front of my colleagues!"

Guilt: "Do you have any idea how much we had to do for you, and this is what you show us as your gratitude?", "How can you be so cruel to the parents who brought you to this world, clothed you, fed you, and took care of you!"

Fear: The child thinks - "I wish I hadn't made father so mad, he would not have hit me this way", "It was my fault, really. I just seem to provoke her somehow."

Withholding love: Children are made to 'earn' their parent's love by fulfilling futile demands, e.g. being first in 4th grade. (Tell me, really, what effect does that rank have in the kid's lifetime achievement, why torture him/her so much for it?)

False endearments and excuses: "Dear, don't you know how much we love you? How can a mother/ father not love their child, after all we gave birth to you, it's the law of nature", "We get mad at you only because we love you so much, we are crazy about you."

This abuse is sometimes physical - but more often the deeper, lasting wound is emotional where the child is encouraged to believe that he/she is "no good". Children get conditioned to try to explain what the parents are doing to them by assuming the blame for their own abuse - often feeling that the abuse they are suffering was their own fault. I grew up with pathologically strict standards at home and was forced to be an adult from the age of three. I miss my childhood, and when I hear stories of others' care-free childhood, I cannot help but feel overwhelmingly sad. Those days cannot be retrieved - they are gone forever, lost. And the victims do not "just get over it" when they become adults - their lives often are marked by a deep, pervasive sadness.

Some abusers are proud to practice emotional abuse. And they justify their psychological brutality by asserting that this practice helps their children to "toughen up" and make them ready for the 'real world'. And when faced with questions many years hence, these parents also justify the abuse by "Look how well you turned out! You are such a successful adult now. It was all because we were so tough on you."
Nothing can be further from the truth. The end does not justify the means - beating children does not produce good citizens.

A common story: Parents love their kid. They want a bright future for the kid. So, with all their might, they hold the kid’s face to the books for twenty years – no fun or friends allowed. In their mind, they are doing this for the kid’s future – he/she will grow up with a sound education and will be able to pursue a respectable career and become “successful”. Very noble intentions, right? But what happens? The kid is lonely, develops no people skills for twenty years, and by the time its time to lift-off into the brilliant career the parents so wished for, the kid has a nervous breakdown. He/she spends time in and out institutions for rest of the life. Parents are upset and depressed – they cannot believe this happened and blame the kid even more for not living up to their expectations.

The effects of emotional abuse:

I have seen that most children emotionally abused as a kid suffer from the constant need for approval, be it peers, friends, family, siblings, colleagues, managers, the list goes on.

These victims cannot seem to draw the line between approval and love, between attention and affection. Growing up they have experienced that love and affection is only conditional. So when they do get approval or the slightest attention, they think they are being loved as well and often set themselves up for disappointment.

Some later perpetuate the cycle with their own children, just because they do not know any better and are conditioned to thinking one way.

Some develop a severely damaged self-concept and inability to truly engage and bond with others. For example, I was not able to make friends in school, I never felt I belonged. I always felt different and could not connect. The almost-inevitable failure of relationships reinforces that sense of unworthiness - it's a vicious cycle.

These victims are never satisfied with their success because of the deep rooted sense of unworthiness instilled by their parents. They are programmed to fail so effectively that a part of their own personality "self-parents" by belittling and humiliating themselves. They always remain hungry.

What should you do if you have been a victim? Well, I am still working on figuring that out. Here are some ideas that have worked for me, may be it will help you:

Believe in yourself - Tell yourself several times a day that "You are what you are today DESPITE of your childhood, not because of it." Recognize that you have been hurt and that there is nothing you can do about the past. Applaud yourself that you have survived it, no thanks to your abusers, but on your own tenacity.
Become responsible for your behavior from now on - you and only you have the power over yourself. Dissociate yourself from your abusers, if that is what it takes. You want to make sure that you do not get hurt anymore.
Accept that you are not responsible for your abuser's behavior. You do not deserve to be abused, no matter what the abuser tries to sell you. Flex your power and let them know that they do not have any control on you. You make the rules and they play by it from now on. If they choose not to, then they loose you for good, and frankly you do not care anymore. They now have to 'earn' your love just like you had to when you were a kid.
Should you forgive? That is a very tough one. Personally, I am having a very difficult time with this. I think it depends if you can be at peace with yourself after all the painful history. This act of forgiveness is targeted to release yourself from your own anger. Do not confuse this by equating this to an act of forgiveness where you absolve your abusers for their guilt (if they feel any after all these years) of hurting you. They have to battle with their own guilt and it's their penance. You should take no responsibility for their emotional well-being and you are NOT responsible for their rehabilitation.

Do not get pressured by anyone to forgive (or not to forgive) your abusers. You need to go through this fourth and most difficult step on your own time and at your own pace - the right to forgive belongs to you and only you, you choose when and how, and it's perfectly all right to never forgive them. But do focus on releasing your anger, because it still hurts you and does you no good. Work on self-preservation.

I am at this difficult last step and am constantly battling on how to release my anger of being wronged, of being deprived of my childhood years. It is very hard and it will probably take me many more years to overcome.

=============================================
Reading suggestion: Check out Andrew Vachss' work on this topic. You can find some good articles here. There is a lot to think about.

I feel guilty all the time....

2009-08-30T07:35:00.000-07:00

Professional women suffer this the most. May be it's a gender issue. I have not seen men go through this emotion as much as women. Wonder why that is?

Most common issues among my female colleagues are -

Mothers feel guilty leaving their kid at the day care.
Professionals feel that they do not have time for their family.
Others feel the same since they have to leave work early, they are compromising their career.
No cooked meal on the table every night.
The bills are sometimes late.
The laundry is not folded properly.
The dishwasher is not cleared out.

The list goes on and on... There is no end.

No, it's not work-life balance issue that is not solvable. It is in fact a bad case of GUILT. Guilt is an all prevailing undercurrent of their lives, or at least in the first 10-15 years of professional life with a growing family. But why does it need to be this way? Why do they spend so much time consumed by this and feel miserable? Is it necessary?

I think guilt is the number one effectiveness-killing emotions, and is absolutely useless since it wastes energy and time. Can regret and remorse really change anything? If you are busy feeling guilty, when do you have the time to really get something done!

To tell the truth, we are conditioned to feel guilty since we are kids. And it's a very hard habit to break. Parents, teachers, neighbors, family, religion, all use guilt to regulate our behavior. We are taught from the childhood that there are strict right and wrong behavioral rules and we are expected to feel good and bad respectively. This conditioning is carried over to adulthood and reinforced by society at every step on the way.

But, guilt is the perfect excuse for not changing oneself. If people do something that is not helping, they tend to 'pay their dues' by feeling bad about it, and then go on living. They take no risks and make no effort to improve. The easy way out is feeling guilty.

Guilt also allows them to hold others responsible for their actions. They exonerate themselves from the wrongdoing. They look for winning approval and pity of others - after all they are feeling guilty, hence they are absolved, and others should be sorry for them. They prove to the world that they are a wonderful, conscientious and caring person. If only there were not these extenuating circumstances forced on them by the evil world, they would have come through. They prefer to be pitied, but refuse to take responsibility for their choice!

This malady often manifests itself often as a bad case of "should - have". 'I should have asked for an approval.' "I should have added this to my to-do list.' 'I should have started this project earlier.' Wake up! Past is history. What will you do differently, now, and in the future?

Feeling guilty over what does not get done is your ticket to misery, lifelong misery. Why do you expect that everything will be done? You may have a long to-do list of things to do in a day, why do you expect that 100% needs to be complete by the end of the day? Just make time for the important things, the rest will resolve itself.

This is no secret, of the the 100 things on your list of things to do, only 20% are actually important. You need to attend to only those. Others will solve over time. The key is to identify which of those 100 items is important. Note, I did not say urgent, I said important. There is a big difference. 99% of what you think is actually urgent, is not! Clear up your mind and thinking, try to identify the difference between urgent and important. Focus on the important first.

Here is some advice from Jack Collis:

Recognize the past for what it is. Write 10 things down that you wish you hadn't done. Then write 10 things you wish you had done. Give yourself five points for each item that feeling bad about would really help. What's your score? It's zero, isn't it?

Practice feeling guilty. Set aside 15-20 minutes a day and think of a past event to feel bad about. Feel guilty. Beat yourself up for it. Pity, anger, worry, bring them all on. Then step back and see what an enormous drain of energy it takes to feel guilty. Why do it?

List all the things you are avoiding by feeling guilty. What are you planning to do about them? In reality, you can avoid doing almost anything by feeling guilty, being lazy, lacking direction. Why don't you spend your time resolving to actually do something about the situation rather than sitting out there and feel guilty about it?

Accept responsibility for the choices you make. They are yours, be it mistakes or misfortunes, own them. You have the right to be wrong sometimes, it's OK. As long as you do something about it, resolve to never repeat it, it's all right.

Dissociate yourself from guilt wielders. The world is full of such people who cast off their bad feelings on to others. Ignore them, and better yet, throw them out of your life. They are not your friends, they are your worst enemies. Stick with people who help you construct a good life, not with people who fill you will useless emotions.

The worst case of guilt is demonstrated by young mothers going to work leaving the kid behind at day care feeling miserable all day and wondering if their career is worth it. You bet it is well worth it! Please do not feel guilty - it does not do anything for you or your kid. Instead accept that you are human and life does not flow smoothly, and think long term. Things are going to be lopsided and messy and often - but over time, it's all going to ease out. Your son/daughter will not curse you for leaving him/her behind when he/she grows up. Instead he/she will admire you as a superwoman who went for a career while loving him/her as much as you could. Just do it, don't waste time and energy feeling guilty.
I suggest you read Chapter 15 from "Ambition is not a Dirty Word". She has very good practical tips on dealing with this issue.

Personally for me, it has been a very difficult journey weeding guilt out of my life. I don't think I am at the end of the road yet - it's not easy to reverse 30+ years of parental and social conditioning! But I am on my way, I hope you will join me as well, for your own sake.

Why does (s)he keep bothering me?!

2009-08-30T06:04:00.000-07:00

This has happened to all of us. I am sure each of us has faced at least one person in our professional life who we felt is out there to get us. It has been irritating, sometimes even unbearable to deal with. We have asked ourselves often - Why me? What did I do? Why can't this person see my side of things? How can he/she be so stupid? Why is he/she after me?

There is no silver bullet to solve this situation. But there are some things you can definitely do to get your peace of mind back. The five steps below has been based on my experience, it has been a slow learning process. But it has worked for me over the years, may be it will help you. I warn you, it is not easy and takes a lot of effort.

1) Practice tolerance. Seems like a saintly advice, but you have to do it. Practice tolerance and not only will the world become an easier place to live, you will find it a bit more peaceful too. Next time when a big fat SUV cuts in front of you on the freeway, albeit very dangerously, resist the urge to give him/her your choice words and gestures. Let it go. Thank your stars that you are an alert driver and you lived. Let go. Tell yourself, twenty times if need be, that this problem is not yours, it's the other driver's. It's that person who does not have control on his/her life, but you do. Choose to not make adrenalin rush through your veins. Yes, it's your choice.

2) Pick your battles. Not all battles are worth fighting, even if you know very well that you are on the right side and the co-worker is totally wrong. Only those that you know deep in your heart that you are 100% right and will provide you a long term benefit is worth taking the arms for. Fighting small battles every day makes your blood pressure high, keeps you stressed, and in general does not serve any purpose. I have been through this phase and I know. The stress is not worth it. Pick the battle that affects your career, and let go of the others.

3) Look at the long term goal. Keep your eye on the 5-10 year plan you have for yourself. Whenever a situation comes along that gets you all riled up, ask yourself if it's worth the emotional investment in the long run. Did a 6/10 in math in 4th grade really affect your graduation from high school? But you were all stressed out at 4th grade as if it was a life and death situation! (You probably felt so because of the looming image of a good smack from dad when you went home and told him the bad grade! Heh! Heh!)

A friend of mine was recently all worked up because she had to repeat a month of residency, forced on her by an inconsiderate attending physician. Yes, it did cause her some near term inconvenience, e.g. had to change schedules, make alternate plans, postpone a vacation, etc.; but in the long term it will not have any impact on her career. She will, and I know for sure, be a great doctor, and five years from now, this extra month will have vanished from her memory and from everyone she will be dealing with. So, whenever you are faced with a 'sky is falling on me' situation, just step back and think what effect it may have 10 years from now. If it seems that there will be none, just let the tide go over you, bob up and down with it, focus on staying afloat, do not fight it, preserve your energies for bigger and better things.

4) Focus inwards. The only person you have control on is yourself. No matter how much you will it, you do not have the power to change the co-worker or even make that person understand your point of view. Yes, it's good to try and I highly recommend it, but don't waste too much of your energy on it.

What do you do when you have a situation where the co-worker is out to get you, he/she is saying things behind your back, or making really stupid decisions, making you stand out with the wrong implications, etc.? I bet this has happened to almost all of us, at least once in our lifetime. Assuming that you went through the three steps above and it still bothers you, here is what you do - think of how you can change to diffuse the situation.

A very wise lady, now my mentor, advised me - take that person out to lunch. Yes, it's that simple. Ask him/ her to go out for lunch, alone with you. Go somewhere far where there are no other co-workers to bother and buy him/her the lunch. Sit down and chat about everything but work. Find out the personal side of that person - what makes him/her tick? What is the family situation, does he/she like baseball or hockey, ask for a restaurant recommendation....

Often the very fact that you have shown him/her the attention will diffuse the tension that was building up between the two of you. I agree, it's very hard to do this. You hate that person's guts after all the injustice he/she has been doing to you. But you know what, every human being is the center of his/her universe. This 'prick' was probably behaving badly with you because of his/her own insecurities, and more often than not, craving for your attention and recognition. So, give it. Don't fake it, genuinely give it. People develop very good fake detectors by the time they turn six, so do not fake it. It will be very obvious even if you consider yourself an Oscar worthy actor.

Also ask yourself, could it be that you were being a prick to him/her? Were you trying to enforce your thoughts on that person when he/she was not ready? Were you being insensitive? Please analyze yourself too - you will probably find at least few things that you were doing wrong that you could fix. Self improvement is key to your peace of mind.

5) Leave, quit. Cut your losses and leave. There are always situations when even after you have put in your best effort, changed yourself to fix the problem, tried to make people see sense and they still don't budge. At that time just quit. It is often not worth the excessive emotional investment, your only alternative is to leave. Just do it.

Here is an example from my life, happened not too long ago. I was given the responsibility of this great project, I was all enthused and excited. The person who was leading the project before me (lets call her M) had created a mess of a situation, but by a miracle of system mismanagement, she found herself promoted to a position to oversee this project, above me but not be responsible for it anymore. Which means, she could meddle as much as she wanted, but when there was a mess to be cleaned up, it was all my responsibility. For four months I labored on the project, built the team, planned the project, worked diligently on executing the project. Everything went smoothly between the team and me, except when she chose to poke her nose into it. She did that often, and when you were least expecting it, out of the blue. We locked horns, often in front of the whole office, shouting at each other.

But what can one do? I refused to accept responsibility for decisions that were not mine! I could do the job hundred times better than she could, and she knew it! Was it jealousy that made her mess up my work? Well, I tried all the above mentioned four steps. All my efforts failed. Then, I frankly went up to the upper management and quit! I said that the only way they could still keep me involved in this project is if they could give me in writing that if this project runs aground, I will not be held responsible. Oh yes, I had all the documentation to back me up. They asked me to give it a try for another 4-6 weeks, we had a face to face meeting with M, to try and resolve the problems. It eased a trifle in the ensuing weeks, but not enough to put me at ease. So, at the end I moved on.

Believe me, life has a way of resolving itself and for the better. I actually got 'promoted' to a better position, onto program management. The fundamental project execution plan that I had created and the team I had built eventually went on to finish the project properly and successfully. M's responsibilities were slowly curtailed over the ensuing months and she was eventually made redundant - it was quite obvious over time that she was incompetent.

I am thus a firm believer that good always triumphs over the bad. I did go through the 'birthing' pains, but I have been renewed by this challenging experience. I feel that I now have a deeper insight into people's psyche. I still have ways to go, but this is a good start, don't you think?

"A woman can't do this in a man's world....."

2009-08-24T19:48:00.000-07:00

"A woman can't do this in a man's world....."
"It's so hard..."
"Women have to face difficult choices of career versus motherhood...."
"I hardly get any time for myself...."

I hear a lot of these from women, professional women. Unfortunately, many of these complaints tend to become a self-fulfilling prophesy.

In my opinion, there are only three keys to success: hard work, determination, and knowledge.
Luck and gender has nothing to do with it.

I will talk about the three keys in latter posts, this one deals with perceived gender barriers.

I have talked with several successful women - CEOs, entrepreneurs, scientists, engineers - none of these women ever told me they had hit the proverbial 'glass ceiling'. I am yet to be as successful as them, but my personal experience has been the same. If you have a goal to achieve, are willing to put in the effort, have the unwavering belief in yourself, and the knowledge base of experience to draw from, I do not think there is any ceiling, glass or rock or otherwise, out there to stop you.

Growing up, I never let the gender issue affect me, specially in the choice of my career. When I went into Civil Engineering, it never really crossed my mind that I was entering a supposedly 'male-dominated' field and that this would be of any hindrance to my success.

The first time I was made aware of any limitations was while applying for my Masters at a US university. It came from totally unexpected quarters - a very renowned and respected professor at my university in India. To the students, he was the most 'progressive' professor of the lot, he talked with a crisp accent, prepared his lectures well (not read out from 1960's notes), and used audio-visual techniques while teaching. So when I went to him to get a recommendation for my application, he totally surprised me by saying - " Why are you wasting so much of your dad's money on these applications and studies abroad. You women will only work for couple years and then get married, have children and give up your career. Why waste all this time, energy, and money on something that you will never pursue to the end. Civil engineering is really not a career for you women, I still do not see why you girls come to study this subject and waste a good seat for a talented young boy!"
Of course I was crestfallen - my revered professor had this opinion! All my respect for him vanished that day. But to tell the truth, he was probably correct - out of the women who did study civil engineering with me, only 40% have retained a career in the field of our training, most have given up. As long as those who have given up are at peace with their choice, I really have no problems. But I do have issues with women who are either pursuing the field while continuously whining; or those who have quit the profession thinking they cannot break the so-called ceiling.

Gender difference is actually good. Women can do better because we perceive and apply information better. The worst a woman can do is to desire to be equal to a man. We are different and thank god for it! Different does not mean that one is lesser than the other, on the contrary, women have the ability to far exceed men in some areas. For example, motivation. Men tend to expect people to be self-motivated. Women, on the other hand, tend to motivate people by words and deeds - and this skill, if applied in business, is invaluable.

I think most women do a great disservice by being dishonest with themselves. (Yes, some men do too, but we are talking about women here.) We want and demand equality but we are not willing to pay the price for it. We want to excel at our work but we complain at the same time that it leaves no time to be a mother or no time for ourselves. This is not right. Of course we can be mothers, homemakers, and still be best in our professions! We have to pay the price for it - self determination, hard work, and acceptance of complete responsibility of the family, the work we do, and of ourselves. No excuses, no whines. Nothing is free - you have to pay for every ounce of 'want' you fulfill.

This is the hard truth of life irrespective of your gender - you have to learn to accept it.

I have a good friend who is the CEO of a major corporation, and a mother of three teenagers. She said (I paraphrase): "During my life, I often found myself working along parallel tracks. On one hand I was laboring with great zeal on my children's emotional and physical needs. On the other hand, I was striving toward my own professional goals. The fear of being unable to maintain the necessary pace was sometimes overwhelming. I would discipline myself to take time off every few weeks/months, as required, and sit back and objectively evaluate the choices I was making. And every time it would only affirm my choices. I have no regrets, neither does my family."

Another story from Debra Condren, the author of Ambition is Not a Dirty Word: She went through a lot of troubled times, raising a kid through a divorce, being a single mom while earning the dough and studying. Her crowning glory was when her son told her, many years later, that he respects his mom very much for having followed her dreams and he wants to do the same. (Read the book, I highly recommend it)

There are so many stories similar to these - bottom line is that we have to just get up and start on the journey towards our dreams and be ready to pay the toll with determination, hard work, and accepting responsibility.

You are only limited by your own goal setting.

QA QC

2009-08-14T10:19:00.000-07:00

I have noticed that many professionals, and even very accomplished managers, tend to lump 'quality assurance and quality control' together as if they occur together and mean the same. In reality, QA and QC are two as different a concept as can be! I hope I will be able to dispel a bit of that confusion.

Every organization seeks to achieve higher quality in their work, whether it is a product or a service they offer. These organizations seek to maximize the ability to meet its goals with a minimum of mistakes, inefficiency, and waste. And why not, this endeavor has many long-term benefits: reduction of costs, a delighted client, good future business prospects, etc. The process to achieve this continuous improvement has several steps and is, however, usually mistakenly termed QAQC.

QA (Quality Assurance) is a set of activities (e.g. a quality audit) that are aimed to ensure that the processes followed in the organization are actually happening properly and meeting the objectives. For example, a document control audit to check if all correspondence is being filed properly at the right place for easy access and future retrieval is a QA exercise. QA also works to develop processes to better handle issues. For example, when a problem has been identified in the project execution, say drawings are being issued for construction without a mechanical engineer's review, the QA manager will then modify the project execution process to include a step that includes a review of drawings by a mechanical engineer. So, the bottom line definition is that QA is that it is process focused, that is, development of methodology and standards. The goal of QA is to find a problem in the processes and make sure the checks are implemented at the right level of detail.

QC (Quality Control), on the other hand, is the set of activities that evaluate the product. So, in the above mentioned example, the mechanical engineer checking the drawings is a QC activity. This activity is focused on finding defects in particular deliverables. In a production line, inspection and testing of a sample would be QC. Here the task is to find if the deliverable / product meets the stated level of detail and specification requirements. To stress the point - this is a fault finding activity.

Now, the confusion arises, I think, is because organizations are not sure about assigning responsibility for these two activities. More often than not, these activities are assigned to the same individual - the project manager. This is not the right approach, and I have seen many cases in my career where the final quality of the project suffers due to this.

In my opinion, the project manager should be only responsible for QA and not for QC. Of course, it also depends on scope of projects. For a $5M or less construction projects, the resources are usually strapped and the PM is forced to do both, and usually manages to do a good job. But, in projects, especially $50M+ projects, it will be near impossible for a PM to do both QA and QC and produce good results. There are too many details to consider and the focus shifts away from QA thereby compromising the project. For such projects, the PM should focus on QA and QA only. He/She should have the lead engineer or a third technically savvy engineer deal with the QC part of the project. When setting up the project the PM will need to put sufficient QC check points in his/her project execution strategy to ensure the 'fault finding' is adequately happening on the project and the quality of the final deliverables going out of the door meets (or exceeds) the quality standards promised to the client. His/her job is to constantly monitor the operations to make sure the QC checks and the recification is happening. On projects greater than $150M, there should be dedicated QA manager.

10 in 60 Rule

2009-07-30T10:25:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid, my dad enforced a rule of doing 10 math problems every day. It was mandatory. Now, it was not that big a deal when you are starting on a lesson and doing the first 10 out of the 40 problems in that chapter; you could handle them in 10 minutes. But, towards the end of the chapter, the last 10 problems usually would take an hour or more, they used to be the most difficult ones. But you survive the hard one and then move on to the next lesson the next day and get a respite with some easy ones too.

The 10 in 60 Rule is a kind of enhancement on the same principle in adult life. I am a strong believer of incrementalism. The million mile walk starts with the first step, and then each succeeding step matters, a slow and steady march towards the finish.

How do you improve quality in your service / product / workplace? Add 10 improvements every 60 days. They do not have to be major - just focus on the little improvements - things the customer / user will not notice immediately.

Examples:

At home, clear the sink of all dishes before going to bed.
Get your secretary a comfortable chair.
Print double sided unless absolutely necessary to print single sided.
Put a "Thank you" note with every order / invoice you send out.

Focus on the details, the small items. Details matter and eventually can save you a lot of money. In a year it will be 60 ways you have improved your world and the aggregate will be noticed. The dividends will be great. You do not need to run a major PR campaign to bring about a mammoth change - do it in small things, everyday.

Encourage your staff to do the same - have an ideas box at the office. Read the ideas every week and adopt them. You will be amazed how many good ideas come through. Change behavior, turn all energy positive, reward the accomplishments.

And, last but not the least - keep a running list of the changes made. It will help you judge your progress and also make you (and your staff) feel happy about the positive changes. It will boost confidence and promote a healthy working atmosphere.

People are our greatest resource

2009-07-30T09:02:00.000-07:00

This, or a different version of the title above, usually features in almost all companies' vision or motto. Unfortunately, it does not get implemented and is probably the most overlooked issue. I sincerely believe that nurturing and growing people leads to a sound corporation/ business and increased productivity (= profitability); but I am yet to figure out why the leaders of most companies do not put more emphasis on this issue? Yes, most companies enforce bi-annual reviews, but I find these being done grudgingly, for the sake of just doing it, because 'corporate' an HR has asked for it. The heart is usually not in this exercise - why?

How many days does a supervisor/manager spend reviewing the performance of his/her reports? Giving feedback, asking about career goals, building the employee's confidence, challenging the employee to the next step of his/ her career....
In my last 10 years of work, I have seen only one person committed to this.

The number one leadership skill is the ability to develop others. And even if you are very conceited and want to think of your own growth, developing others will actually help you. If you can train your subordinate to grow into your position, then you get to climb another rung too! Why are most managers so short sighted? What holds them back?

Here is what you should do - say you have 10 direct reports. Then in your calendar, book two days twice a year to do only 'performance reviews' - yes, that's 40 days - yes, that's a month and half of your calendar year. And YES, it is well worth it. Make these reviews effective - talk about where you've been together and where you're going next. Align your report's goals with yours. Do both short term (3-9 months) and long term (1-3 years) planning, set goals and then set monthly milestones. I guarantee you, it will work wonders.

After all, what do you want from your employees - high productivity, commitment to do 'whatever it takes' to get the job done, loyalty, and positive energy flowing through the workplace. If you focus on developing your people, this will happen, automatically.

I once worked for a manager from whom I did 'feel the love'. And here is the story of what I did for them, not because they paid me extra, just because they were committed in my development and it was my way of showing my appreciation.

I had worked for this company for couple years and for personal reasons I was going to leave, move to another state. My relationship with my manager was so healthy that I told her that I was 'looking'. She was sad, but she understood. On a certain Wednesday, I had a job interview scheduled for 3PM. That week we were working on a very important proposal that was due on Thursday 9AM at a place 2.5 hours by air. We had been focused on this proposal all weekend, spent late nights at work on Monday and Tuesday, and was still working on it till noon on Wednesday. At noon, I took off to get ready for this interview. After the interview was over at 5PM, I called her and asked if she needed help. Of course, she did, so I went back to work. We wanted to get the proposal finished and sent off by the last FedEx at 7PM. Well, 7PM came and went, we still had changes to do. Next, we were looking at the last flights that could take us to the destination, but those were at 9:30PM, we could not make it. So, my manager and I then decided to drive - one will drive and the other will give company and make sure the driver does not snooze off. We took off at midnight and drove all night, 8 hours, to reach the destination and hand over the proposal in time. It was not an easy drive, we were very tired working so many long nights; there were times we felt that we would fall asleep at the wheel. Of course, we had loads of caffeine for company.

What do you think made me do this? I was leaving the company in few weeks time. Then, why did I feel the urge to help out in this way? Did it really matter to me if this company got that project or not? No, it was not me, it was them. The care and 'family-feel' that I felt in that company made me go the extra mile (rather 300 extra miles and back!). I think all companies, every manager, should nurture this feeling of camaraderie in their employees. The dividends are huge.

Please, invest in your people. It's well worth the effort.

PS: Yes, we did win that project. Our hard work and endeavor paid off. I left the company and was not able to work on that project, but it went well.

How do I work? I grope.

2009-07-21T16:22:00.000-07:00

Einstein said this, and yes, he was telling the truth.
No, I am not saying that everything he discovered and invented was accidental, he was indeed a genius. What I am pointing out is that if we do not keep 'groping', there will be no success.
Another great man, Churchill, said - Never, never, never, never give up.

No single effort will solve your problem or help you achieve your dreams. It never does. If you know what you want, just stay focused on the end result. If one path fails, go back take another, then another, then another, eventually one path will work. That's the promise of life.

Three years ago I was diagnosed with a serious condition in my eyes. It took three months and about five very reputed experts to figure out that my immune system was attacking my eyes - as if my body was rejecting my eyes. It baffled the doctors, there was no reason for it, no malady present in my body that could have caused this. There was no treatment prescribed in the great medical books either. They gave me some strong immune suppressant medications (the kind they give to transplant patients so that their body does not reject the new organs) and said that we were to wish for the best.

You can imagine how worried and confused I was. I had just turned 30 and this was a big one to handle. I could not believe that my body was giving up at this age. I thought about this for few weeks and then decided that I needed a challenge - something to prove to me for sure that I was fit. I chose to run a marathon.

I was never a runner, not even when I was a kid. As a kid I used to come up with excuses at school to not participate in sports events. And now, as an adult, I had to just run half a block to get totally out of breath and red in the face. But, I started, created a plan, and stuck to it. Believe me, it was very hard. I first started walking, then walk-jog, then jogging, then running - gradually increasing my mileage every week. I used to be so sore, so tired, and the medication made me sluggish. Some days were a haze because of the medication. There were many many times when the desire to quit overwhelmed me.

I persisted and I survived. My husband and I ran the Chicago Marathon in 2006. We finished with a decent time, and I loved every moment of it - including the excruciating agony.

You can find so many more examples of perseverance. Cancer patients have triumphed over diseases, scientists have made great discoveries - there are several stories out there to inspire us.
Did you know that Edison made over 9,500 attempts before he worked out the right filament for the light bulb? So what holding you back? Get up and make the next attempt to achieve your dream.....

Pursuit of Excellence

2009-07-20T11:15:00.000-07:00

I do not believe that one needs to 'pursue' excellence. It is not something to be acquired over time. It is a choice you make at any given moment and all the work is actually in maintaining the choice you made. It is a state of mind that you assume - tell yourself that you will not accept any low quality work from yourself from this very moment - attain perfection - the perfection that shows that you have done the work best to your ability.

Few examples:

If you are washing your car or even doing the dishes at home, wipe every drop off water.
If you have two bins at work, one for recycled paper and other for garbage, make sure you do not throw any recyclable paper in the garbage bin.
If you are waiting tables, just be the best at it - make the customer happy even if others do not care.
When you are to submit a report to your team / boss, do one last spell check and proof read before you issue it. Make sure you put into it the best effort possibly - your personal best.

Do not allow yourself to do anything worse than what you are really capable of. Why would you settle for less? You are the best in what you are capable of - then why slack off? You do not need to ever compare yourself with others - you are your measuring stick, that is all you need to succeed.

Make a conscious decision to achieve highest quality and work on maintaining it. You do not do this for others - you do it for yourself. And the benefits are huge:

Everyone around you (Yes, your boss, your team mates, your spouse, and your kids) will notice the difference.
You will build trust.
You will build your own confidence in what you do.
You feel a sense of achievement in everything you will do. This alone will make your day, everyday.

Inspiration for this thought:
Tom Watson, IBM founder - 'If you want to achieve excellence, you can get there today. As of this second, quit doing less-than-excellent work.'

The Beginning

2009-07-20T09:14:00.000-07:00

I created this blog to write about my experiences and lessons learned as a professional woman. I have been in the workforce for about nine years now, practicing as a professional engineer. Over the years I have realized that often it is the little, unnoticed things that are the most revealing about the challenges we women face in our professional and personal lives. These stories are profoundly worthwhile, fascinating , and important to share with my fellow working women and a modest attempt to make our lives easier to deal with.

Please note that these are uniquely my personal views on the business world and how to maneuver it. It is shaped by my own personal experiences. May be there are some other women out there who can benefit from what I have learned over these years.